Needle to Thread

Personality

2008-11-30T19:14:00.001-06:00

So I took this 70 question personality test the other day. It said I was an ESFJ. Probably a clue as to why I don't blog anymore.

Closed Until Further Notice

2008-06-20T10:06:00.001-05:00

Tension

2008-03-03T20:03:00.004-06:00

Can you handle the tension, without taking it personally?
Can you take the tension seriously and not your reactions
Focus on it without trying to direct it
Feel the emotions but don’t identify with them
Let it stretch you and shape you while not lashing out

Take the energy and run with it,
but don’t let it run you ragged and don’t outrun it

Pause and focus when necessary,
but out of need and not out of habit

Are you up for it?

"...in love and in psychological growth, the key to success is the ability to endure
the tension of the opposites without abandoning the process, and that this tension
allows one to grow and to transform."
--Carl Jung

Note: Quote from Jung has been slightly bastardized

Self Consciousness

2008-03-03T20:00:00.001-06:00

Being self conscious is being apart from yourself.

You try to separately process each action and thought before committing to it.

You carve out a space in your own consciousness and sit there and judge.

But it is a rudimentary way to be aware of some of your own behavior.

It is an attempt to be more self aware.

But you only tend to see what you focus on and everything else gets blurred so in the end you probably see less.

Random Questions!!(??)

2008-02-23T15:20:00.001-06:00

1. Have you ever dreamed in words?

2. Is there a connection between being self-conscious and self-aware, or is self-consciousness just another trait to be aware of?

That's it...

Too Happy?

2008-02-10T19:15:00.000-06:00

Interesting article here. Reading made me briefly happy.

Version 2.8

2008-01-30T19:41:00.000-06:00

When I wrote before I always had the sense that I was telling the whole story.

But I can’t do that anymore.

It seems that one of my best tools for doing so has abandoned me. That tool was pain.

Pain had the power to shift my perspective enough to enable me to see farther. To put temporary holes in the everyday vision we project to ourselves. Pain allowed me to see through the boundaries of my unknowing.

Moments of frustration and despair brought on creativity, brought on the deepest insights. I could actually even enjoy the pain as I felt my vision expanding and the world opening up.

So much of what I’ve seen, I could never have seen without the pain. I doubt I could ever have learned so much about myself without it.

The worst/best part was that it was so easy for me to create the pain. For awhile I could do it on demand. So many obstacles that I came across, all I had to do was touch the pain and I could see right through them.

But the pain has faded, especially fast the last couple months. It is no longer an effective way for me to see beyond myself.

Striving towards the promised land, but finding our path is shifting sand.

I used to identify with it so deeply. Now it’s almost a stranger. But, though it has passed, I am still here. I feel life flowing through me, and it does not come from pain. I am not well connected with it enough to see farther.

So as I write this I look ahead to a time when I can hopefully again add some depth to my writings. But using different techniques to achieve it. Because I can no longer move forward through the power of self-inflicted wounds.

A Christmas Poem

2007-12-16T20:35:00.000-06:00

The gifts of the season found under a tree?
They're but shadows of the ones inside you and me.
You must look in your heart for the true gift to be found,
It's a package of love, but it must be unwound.
And when it is open, it will be plain to see
This gift's not for keeping, so let other receive.
For the love that we feel, it's not really our own
It's meant to pass through us, lead us closer to home.
So share it with others, however you might
Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night.

Why I really don't feel like getting Christmas gifts this year

2007-12-14T21:34:00.000-06:00

How much of the conflict we suffer from
is created entirely in our own minds?
What happens when we start to step back?
When we refuse to go along for the ride?
It becomes easier and easier to turn down the noise
But then you start to see what it has been hiding
And it is cold, dark, and hard.

Falling Away

2007-12-13T17:00:00.000-06:00

Spinning and spinning, ever faster
Facing a new direction each day

Feeling the threads that used to connect me
Slowly dissolve and fade away

Being drawn through a mold
Watching so much be left behind

It leaves me more alone than ever
And yet I rarely feel that way

Always feeling a little unsure
But moving along anyways
Because I am sure I can’t stay still

Thanksgiving

2007-11-26T10:40:00.000-06:00

Strange holiday weekend, highlights include: a very large stray rottweiler dropping in, finding a large fluid filled cyst on a deer I was helping to clean, being extremely restless, and having a few minutes where my mind felt absolutely still.

Rising through the mass of noise ever higher
Until suddenly you find yourself out on top.
An act you once regretted more than anything
Can now be viewed in a gentler light.
And for a couple of minutes everything is quiet
Before it becomes time to descend.

Night Walking

2007-11-23T20:30:00.000-06:00

I wanted all the stuff that has happened to me to be leading somewhere.
I tell myself that journeys, whether out into the world or within myself, have been for a reason.
The surface is frozen, beneath the material is simmering, but the ice still holds.
Possibility seems on the verge of taking form, but collapses every time I try to bring it forth.
That which I associate with ‘I’ seems to be getting continually reworked and reformed.
So much, so fast, sometimes I don’t even feel like I know myself.

(Some of the thoughts which accompany restlessness)

A Question

2007-11-14T18:47:00.000-06:00

What is your own personal understanding of God?

My answer: That which holds me but which I cannot hold

Quote for the Day

2007-11-13T20:35:00.000-06:00

Follow your compass and not your clock.

Thought for Today

2007-10-25T15:54:00.000-05:00

What is the difference between pro-life and anti-death. It seems that much of what motivates is perceived threats, a fear of destruction. How many animals when threatened can call upon incredible resources? But it takes a threat to unlock that potential. Fighting off that which you hate, that which you fear can give a flow of energy and the feeling of being alive, but is it? Within the window created by fending off the inevitable, life can be created. But it seems to have its own way, quieter and less assuming than the forces that fight death. And ultimately more beautiful.

The Fall

2007-10-21T11:00:00.000-05:00

Habits, routines, ways of being, they can all seem permanent, a part of us. But in reality they are merely an outgrowth of what is happening on the inside. And when the seasons shift, they can exhibit a vibrancy of color that truly captivates you, before suddenly falling away and leaving one feeling a little bare and exposed.

October Baseball

2007-10-07T19:22:00.000-05:00

Found this rather satirical article that seemed worth sharing, even if one is not a baseball fan.

The Battle

2007-09-23T14:30:00.000-05:00

Often it happens that I will be going along and a thought will arise. Then almost automatically, a counter-thought will appear. And in trying to choose between the two, I'm left with that horrible feeling that I may be making the wrong choice. It even happens with really stupid little decisions, like which route to take home from work. Most of the time I even know it's stupid. But if I just supress the tension and act, I don't feel right either. Just ignoring/supressing the worry seems to generate a residue which over time eventually brings me to a halt. And once again I am confronted by that horrible feeling.

Recently however, a new behavioral pattern seems to have developed in response to these constant impasses. When a thought arises and its counter-thought follows creating worry, I try to take a moment and focus on the battle itself. Ask myself why. Why am I creating this dichotomy? Why am I breaking things into right and wrong when often all it serves to do is create tension within and distract me? Home is Home, no matter which path I choose.

This moment of reflection usually allows me to make a decision with less stress. Though it doesn't do much to make me feel I'm right.

The Razor

2007-09-21T22:44:00.000-05:00

When it comes to pushing and confronting things in life, particularly my fears, I tend to notice a sort of Occam's Razor. It's good for me to take things to a certain point, but no further. Pushing things further may seem like a good idea but after the break point, it really just makes things worse. It isn't easy to walk a razor's edge.

The Mountain

2007-09-17T09:11:00.000-05:00

I found myself surrounded by mist and nothing was clear
That which seemed right one minute seemed wrong the next
It left me confused and I could not decide which way to go

And then, out of the mist rose a great mountain
This mountain had no right or wrong, no way it must be traveled
This mountain, which I could not previously see even though my feet stood on it

This was the Mountain of the Soul.

And before the mist encircled once more, I could see that it was infinitely more vast
and complex than any mountain of this world

Out of Sync

2007-09-11T16:55:00.000-05:00

The internal feelings and external actions feel severely out of sync. This results in a lot of frustration. I'm going on vacation.

SEPTEMBER
All around life has reached its apogee
Plants have drawn their string of life out to the limit
The landscape is heavy with green
And everything appears to be waiting for the frost

No Title

2007-09-05T23:12:00.000-05:00

Attending to the distractions
that swirl around you.
Life has very little meaning
outside of dealing with them

The inertia that attends your
every step and must be considered
before any move can be made.
It’s always your first consideration

Though it is forever present,
its strength rises and falls
And your activities become
structured accordingly

More and more it dictates.
But in learning to deal with it,
You begin to see it.

You begin to act against it.
The inertia weakens ever so slightly
The balance you’ve worked to achieve
Begins to unravel before you

But change can be upsetting.
Greater sense of ability is offset
By a more intense debilitation
during the worst moments.

It culminates with a series of miserable days
And vivid, dream-filled nights.
And then, like a summer storm, it passes.
And what pounded you so fiercely before,
Is now just soft puddles fading away

And when it’s finally gone,
All you can do is look back
And see how silly it all seems
And remember how serious it was

Where Did That Come From?

2007-09-03T21:56:00.000-05:00

Strange feeling today.
I hadn't felt it in a long time, at least a year and a half.
And I'm only guessing, I really don't remember the last time.
But today, just for a few seconds, I felt........ BORED.
Probably doesn't seem like a big deal, and it probably isn't.
But I thought it was worth mentioning.
I think it's a good thing.

Thought for Today (and today only)

2007-08-26T12:55:00.000-05:00

People come to their beliefs because those beliefs help make their life sustainable. Those beliefs resonate well enough with their own unique internal structure that the beliefs themselves help serve to sustain and create life. Mass movement beliefs are those that work well with a great number of people. These belief structures will not work well with highly individualistic people. In fact, great pain is usually the result of individualistic people telling themselves that they ought to be like everyone else.

Weather Observations

2007-08-14T22:00:00.000-05:00

Far off on the horizon
I watched the lightning flash
But no thunder could be heard

I felt anticipation rise inside
A fortunate wind could bring about
the realization of my hopes

But the wind never shifted
And I watched the clouds slip farther and farther away

So when I see hope, not borne out
I am reminded of lightning without thunder

Feeling the Heat

2007-07-25T23:00:00.000-05:00

As I walk along, the dry grass crunches underfoot
Cornstalks brown before their time rustle in the breeze
And beneath me the earth is rent by cracks.
Off to the east a storm is building
Lightning flashes and I imagine the rain that must be falling
But here it is still dry.

The Fire Within

2007-07-25T22:54:00.000-05:00

These things that you do
These activities that engage your passion
Do them well and right but remember
They are but stepping stones

The REAL is moving through you, building and growing.
You will feel it stir within on occasion
Do not recoil, embrace it
Let it flow through you and out of you.

A New Endeavor

2007-07-21T14:33:00.000-05:00

Well, today I tried a new form of income generation. My past progression includes: asking mom and dad, mowing lawn, landscaping, surveying, graduate work, and engineering. Today, thanks to my garden, I tried selling some produce. Not a big fan of selling stuff as I generally think most people have too much anyway and I'm not the most outgoing person there is. But I had a decent time and came out ahead by about $20. Probably not time to quit my main job but it was neat to try something different.

The Fall

2007-06-25T23:11:00.000-05:00

One year ago today, I watched my world fall away
It took awhile to let go, and relearn the things I thought I knew
Ever patient, ever changing, we lay our own path before us.

Sins of the Father

2007-06-16T18:36:00.000-05:00

Read a very interesting article from Discovery Magazine entitled DNA Is Not Destiny. If you're science minded, go check it out. Talks about how environment and behavior during our lifetime affects our epigenomes which help control how our DNA works. These epigenomes are passed on to our children. So in essence, doing one thing and telling your kids to do another isn't going to work in all cases. Also, epigenomes can change during our lifetimes based on again, behavior and environment. Furthermore, studies with rats showed that the quality of mothering affected the epigenomes of their young. Articles raised lots of questions for me over choices one makes and how they affect us down the road. You reap what you sow. How much choice do we have over what we become?

Links in a chain
passed down through the years
but ending here if we just face the pain
and the fear.....
In the Blood-Better Than Ezra

Behind the 8-Ball

2007-06-02T17:57:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged by Isaiah.

The Rules:

Players start with 8 random facts about themselves. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them that they have been tagged.

Ok then, here we go:

#1. The most fun I've had hunting deer is when tracking a wounded animal.

#2. I've broken both legs and my collar bone, dislocated an ankle and a shoulder, and had stitches in my head four times.

#3. I may be slightly accident prone.

#4. My favorite activity this spring has been gardening

#5. I've never traveled outside the country.

#6. I took piano lessons for six years.

#7. My favorite book in high school was Atlas Shrugged.

#8. I don't always do the things I should.

Some Days.....

2007-05-30T21:47:00.001-05:00

Some days it is really tough. Feel like I spend half of it just trying not to sink. Really hard to see or even give a damn about the big picture at those times. But I'm still here, floating along.

Just Dropped In

2007-05-29T21:29:00.000-05:00

There are times when something unseen reaches in and pokes your heart. It spent the day working its way through the labyrinth of my psyche. Then it strikes in a gentle but quick manner, as if to say "Hello, just dropping by. I'll be back later as we have much to discuss." It leaves quickly but leaves a wake that slowly churns and cycles, generating new life and burning away old.

When you Boil it Down

2007-05-29T20:34:00.001-05:00

One of those days where I seem to notice a certain thread running through unrelated incidents.

For starters, I was at one of those learning seminars that engineers go to to get a little more educated. The speaker was talking about how lots of official design standards are based on bad data, or old methods, or are just passed down from nobody knows where. He told us that nothing supercedes our own judgement.

I also heard a coworker talking about a relative in the navy who had to perform duty exercises for 4 days without sleep. By the end, the guy apparently didn't trust his own decisions.

This kind of contradiction was interesting enough that I was thinking about blogging on it but it didn't seem to come together in my mind. And then I was reading a Q&A with an author and the question was the best writing advice she had ever received; "To just write"

Just For a Moment

2007-04-24T00:37:00.000-05:00

Just for a moment,
your body remembers what your mind has forgot.
Just for a moment,
you feel that ache and emptiness inside.
Just for a moment,
you feel your heart open up and sing in the softest of voices.
And just for a moment you hear its call and are dared to follow
to the life that patiently awaits your return.
But only just for a moment

Internal Geology

2007-04-12T20:39:00.000-05:00

I can still remember the first time I really rode a bike without training wheels. I must have been about seven or eight years old. Most of my friends had learned to ride when they were five or six. This disparity left me quite frustrated. I had tried numerous times, always falling after a short distance. I would sit up and Dad would guide me a little ways to get my speed up. But no matter how hard I tried to keep my balance, I fell every damn time. Finally, one day I went out and my family was riding around the yard on bikes and I was quite pissed. I grabbed my bike and something was different. I felt different. I knew I could ride. So I hopped on and rode. I crashed into a pickup, but got right back on and have done pretty well riding a bike ever since.

Swimming was a similar story. Didn’t learn that until I was eleven. I was always afraid of drowning. At some point during my swimming lessons that summer, I came to understand that I was buoyant and wouldn’t sink. Have been able to swim ever since.

In both cases it seems I had a fear of something and was so concentrated on avoiding what I feared that it actually brought that fear about. So my conclusion a few days ago was that I should do what I set out to do, not try to avoid pitfalls. But I don’t think that’s the whole story. Recent activities in the last few days seem to have added a new dimension.

For one, I like to shoot snooker. It’s like pool or billiards. I’m not all that great. But every now and then I just see a shot. Before I even bend over to shoot I just feel I’m going to make it. I don’t line it up extra careful or anything, I just do it. The fact that my cue is warped or that the table has flaws doesn’t seem to matter. I used to figure that my lack of consistency was due to poor hand-eye coordination. But I’ve missed easy shots often and made some incredibly difficult shots. And I generally have a good sense of whether or not the shots are going to fall before I even shoot.

With the snow the last few days I’ve had the chance to make and throw snowballs. I’ll pick a target and throw and throw and throw…..and miss with great consistency. At some point I get quite frustrated and angry and then am usually able to throw a few on target. I don’t consciously make any adjustment in my footing or arm angle. I just get mad and throw it. After a few hits the frustration dies and then I go back to missing.

After such an episode today, I was angry to the point that I just gave up and lay on the ground to look at the clouds. Reflecting on my situation it seemed like there was some deep structural flaw within me that kept me from doing what I wanted to do. A fault-line running so deep within that no matter how much maneuvering I did, not matter how far I extend my arc, it would still catch hold and lead me to the same horrible place. A place where I seem to only have peripheral vision, where I concentrate on not failing instead of doing, and ultimately fail.

Short term I seem to be able to temporarily get past this fault using the power of anger. But I know that isn’t a good solution to rely on. I’ve read some great stuff the past week about accepting who you are with all your faults and everything. That seems nice and I would like to do that, but every time I run into my faults I obviously do not accept them. Or I can just go along in my inelegant, off-putting fashion waiting for those shots that I can just ‘see’ and taking them. Settling for the occasional victory but more often knowing defeat.

I don't really have an answer, but I do have my questions and am asking them. Even if only to myself.

All my life, I’ve been fearful of defeat.
But now that it has come, it's not near as terrible as I’d expected.
The sun still shines, water still tastes good.
Ambition is all well and good but..
Life itself is enough, nay?
Mark Anthony, Series Finale of Rome

Touching the Void

2007-04-06T13:43:00.000-05:00

Some days it just seems I do the things that bring me quite close to what I see as major faults in my personality. It kind of hurts and at the same time I kind of like it.

ENERGY

2007-03-27T21:30:00.000-05:00

I had a bit of a realization today while doing the dishes. Even though my day had been relatively busy and involved a fair amount of physical labor, I still found the energy/time/motivation to do some cleaning I didn’t exactly want to do. In and of itself this isn’t much to talk about, but lately I have been a little more conscious of how I expend my energy both mentally and physically. Some activities seem to drain it away while others, though consuming it, also serve to deepen the total reserve that is available at any given time. Still haven’t figured out which is which all the time but I’m working on it. This is all kind of important to me because I know how low my energy has been for much of the last year. It’s part of the reason I quit my job and still am not back to full time work, why I only recently did the paperwork to get some insurance money from my fall last June, why I’ve been crappy at corresponding with friends, and a host of other things I’ve haven’t done but correct behavior norms dictate I should have done.

Should, a very interesting word. The list of things most people should do is miles long. But I simply was in no place to do many of those things and still am not in place to do many more. Energy/drive/motivation/whatever it is that powers us along, the healthy and powerful form of it isn’t often instantaneous. It needs to be nurtured and cultured. When building a fire, you have to start with dry grass and twigs, move up to branches, and then logs. A healthy garden can take years to achieve. Soil fertility and texture need to be built up, weeds need to be cultivated. Human beings are a complex life form. And life builds itself through patience and persistent nurturing, not by adding a list of ingredients and instantly being done. And yet in dealing with people the idea of DO THIS and DO THAT seem to be most popular on a day to day basis.

Unfortunately I do this with myself quite often. But I’m also trying to make time to clear my mind. So I can ask:

Where am I now?
What am I capable of now?
Where am I going?

I’ve never had the energy to make this a regular blog and probably never will. But I know I have a couple of readers who do check in, so I thought I would let you know how I’m doing.

When the Dam Breaks

2007-03-12T22:04:00.000-05:00

The gods of spring have been irrevocably loosed for another season. Several days of constant assault by warm sunny days had been creating pools of water out of what was ski-worthy snow up until yesterday. The empire of winter had been showing signs of decay for some time as the small pools have been building for days. But today’s extra strong heat caused the pools to overflow their barriers and congregate in larger pools. These seemed to hold for a time as winter spent its last reserves maintaining an icy grip. But then as the sun set this evening, it was as if the final warmth of the day finally pushed things over the edge and every pool seemed to be unleashed at once. Our creek went from not running to well past bank full in less than half an hour. Water was running wild across pastures and fields.

There will still be frost, there will still be cold, there may even be more snow, but spring is on the way and cannot be stopped.

March

2007-03-09T21:22:00.000-06:00

March is really a messy disgusting month. The melting snow reveals many things. Everything that was buried by the winter snows reemerges in a new form. When it was originally covered it had texture and maybe some color. Its new form is something soggy and gray-brown. Snow which previously acted as a clean white blanket now appears as a molted uneven surface on which rotting debris is stored. Birds and rabbits that didn’t make it through the winter make one last appearance. And every last turd dropped by cows, cats, dogs, rabbits, deer, chickens, sparrows and who knows what else over the previous months shows up quite well on the melting snow. The seasonal weather patterns tend to bring in more snow during March so the pattern of cover and reemergence of garbage can often be repeated a few times over. The sun’s rays are also strong enough whereby the top part of the ground is thawed so lots of mud can be made. But deeper down it remains frozen, thus keeping the water and accompanying mud on the surface. And when a cold snap hits, instant ice everywhere. March seems like a very confused month, trying to move forward but still stuck in the past.

For some March pictures, go here.

Pessimistic or Realistic

2007-03-05T19:50:00.000-06:00

Here's a story for you to read.

Ripples

2007-02-27T17:08:00.000-06:00

All across the snow, intricate patterns laid out by the winter winds

Mere ripples on the surface, laid down as almost an after thought

Yet giving texture and beauty to the landscape

Though destined to melt, nothing is lost

Inspired by the comment on previous post and a long trek through the snow

Don't Think So Much

2007-02-24T22:38:00.000-06:00

The young man gets his education
He understands the way things work
He acts according to this understanding
Putting rocks in the stream so it will obey his wishes
But the stream is bigger than that,
The water will flow on to its own design, as it always has

Quote for the Day

2007-02-24T10:08:00.000-06:00

Events are fluid. The future is like smoke from a burning forest, waiting for the wind of specific events and personal courage to blow the sparks and embers of reality this way or that.

From The Rise of Endymion by Dan Simmons

Rome

2007-02-22T21:09:00.000-06:00

People like to look back at Rome and marvel at it. It was a civilization and a vast empire. It had extraordinary technology for its time, organization that is still hard to imagine-building and managing a vast empire, and impressive engineering that is admired to this day-think aqueducts and the Coliseum. On the downside, slavery was instrumental to its economy, it vetted out force with cruelty, had a culture that was riveted by the barbarism of gladiators and developed in such a way that a republican government was replaced by emperors.

Two thousand years from now, what will people living see about our current civilization. They will no doubt marvel at the impressive growth of technology over the last couple hundred years, the organization that had to be in place to win WWII and put men into space, and engineering to construct some pretty incredible things. But what else will they see? How much of our economy is based on greed, insecurity, and coveting thy neighbor’s social standing? How often do we resort to force to settle problems? What unhealthy things fascinate and amuse our culture?

I usually keep things here introverted and a bit self centered but I was watching Ben-Hur and it made me think.

State of the Self Address

2007-01-21T12:47:00.000-06:00

It was hard to believe he had been gone for over a year. ‘He’ being what I have come to view as my previous self. He still shows up in my dreams, all full of life and vibrancy, his emotions running freely throughout his body. Some might call what had happened cruel. To be in that presence for so long that you assume it’s permanent, that it will never leave you. That presence that took what you assumed was your life and trashed it, gave you the courage to go forward in new ways that were completely out of character to your old self. A weight that you had never knew existed but had held you down for all those years was gone. And just when I was at my best, when I needed that presence most, it was gone. I didn’t even realize it at first, but life was no longer so grand, even though it seemed as if nothing had changed. A presence such as that leaves a residue and I was able to run on that residue for awhile, trying to maintain myself. But those bits of residue eventually run out also and leave one in despair for what is no longer present. After what seemed an eternity however, I was able to take stock of what was still there. And though it isn’t what I would ask for, it is what I have and if I only focus on what was, I am much less likely to see what is. So today, I am here, it is my twenty-seventh birthday and though the pace feels glacial, I do believe I’m moving forward.

More Dreams

2006-12-21T12:00:00.000-06:00

and Behold, I sat within the mighty fortress of my home. Various monsters strove forth to attack but could not succeed. Lo, without even laying a hand on them was I able to defeat them. I sent forth energy from my mind and struck down every intruder. Friends guarded my flank so that each creature could only attack by coming at me head on.

Finally, after defeating numerous foes I sensed that the strongest one was on his way to do battle. In panic, I sought to hide and fled from my fortress and out into the field taking only one friend for assistance. But this great foe sensed my location and sought to find me there. Again I fled, returning home. Upon entering I became calm and focused. My energy building, the monster came forth. My friends held him at bay as I sent forth great energy. But he resisted fiercely and looked towards me as if to say my attempts were futile. I intesified my effort, letting everything pour forth upon him and suddenly he seemed to break from the inside as he collapsed, shriveled and faded from view.

Thus was my dream this previous night.
Anyone out there versed in dream interpretation?

Dreams

2006-12-18T21:08:00.000-06:00

Had some weird dreams lately. They have felt so real both physically and emotionally. Then when I wake up it's kind of disappointing as things aren't that way for the most part. Are dreams spectres of the past or symbols of the present? These seem more like the former, though with a twist.

In other news, my legs/ankles are recovering nicely as in the last week I did the following:
Ice Skated-though it was with hockey skates
Climbed down and up a boulder field
Ran at top speed without flinching

Just Some Thoughts

2006-11-13T16:05:00.000-06:00

I normally think of this blog as an outlet for my semi-creative writing. However, have had little of that flowing through me as of late. So I will use it as an outlet for what I do have. Still haven't figured out what I want to do for work. Still pretty short on any kind of long term thought or vision. Have done a lot more physical activity lately and I think it's good for me. Had an interesting moment the other week. I was told that one can practice drawing by doing it without looking at what you draw. That way the hand learns the shape, since it ultimately is the hand that has to do the drawing. I tried it and found it to be a good exercise. Next day, I was shooting archery, and having some difficulties. So, I did some mental adjusting and tried to aim with my hands and I improved. Let my body do the shooting, not my eyes. The enneagram method of personality testing recommends that type 5's, that would be me, have some physical practice to help them remain grounded in their body. I think I'm starting to understand what that means. Get the old chicken or the egg question when I start to wonder if more physical activity helps to better the mental state or a better mental state leads to more disciplined physical activity. But whether I have a chicken or an egg, I got something and that's good.

Is there a flanking maneuver for this?

2006-11-08T20:43:00.000-06:00

Ever get the feeling that something is in your way?
There's where you are and where you want to be,
what you got and what you want.
Life passes by and you want to join in,
but the gears won't catch and the engine stays idle.

I was walking in the dark the other night and the only light was from the moon rising behind me. This caused good illumination all around except where I needed it most, right in front of me. My moonshadow cast darkness on ground I was about to walk on.

This isn't exactly a crisp clear post. I know. But given what I just wrote, that really shouldn't be a surprise.

Stranger to Myself

2006-10-13T00:08:00.000-05:00

Who was that using my body earlier today,
Who was that in control of my mind,
The actions done made little sense and the thoughts made even less,
And yet I am bound by what the stranger does.

Soft Eyes

2006-10-02T21:35:00.000-05:00

You got soft eyes, you can see the whole thing.
You got hard eyes, you staring at the same tree, missing the forest.

From The Wire

I Quit.....

2006-09-13T13:51:00.000-05:00

...my job that is. After breaking my legs and taking 2 months off, I found I was unable to return to work. I would like to say that I had a list of extensive reasons for doing so, but in truth it was the fact that every time I started to prepare for my return it felt like my insides were getting physically worked over. The internal resistance was simply more than I could overcome.

I did have to go back for a short period though to collect my stuff, finish up some work, and say goodbye to friends & coworkers. After Friday’s work I read an article on Marion Woodman where she talked about how dreams are what our subconscious is trying to tell us. Appropriately, I went to bed almost anticipating a dream for analysis.

Sometime in the early morning hours my dreams came. I was in a race where every one was wearing incredibly short skis and sort of shuffle/sliding/skating around the track. As I found myself in the race, I tried to up my determination so I would win. I got going and my legs wanted to walk/run, but I stayed with the standard form of sliding. I kept trying hard but when I looked at the overall race I was way behind everyone else. The frustration had me wanting to cry-not a typical dream experience.

I can’t remember anything after that and it wasn’t the most lucid dream I’ve had but it was worth looking at. Has my life been a race? Lately it’s seemed that way, maybe more of an obstacle course, a problem to be solved. And I had been pushing myself quite hard. I wanted to experience things, see significance all around in every detail, see people as something more than their situation. I went from doing to trying and the harder I tried the further behind I fell.

You’ve crossed the finish line,
Won the race but lost your mind,
Was it worth it in the end?

A large river has subtle but powerful currents that one can rarely see. A plant doesn’t grow by willing itself. We only see a fraction of what is going on and more often than not, we misinterpret what we see.

I really don’t know what I’m going to do next. Definitely let my legs heal up while staying in South Dakota. Beyond that, I guess stay tuned.

St. Theresa's Prayer

2006-08-29T20:34:00.000-05:00

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

I received the above as a message to forward to eleven people. Hopefully that many will stop by and happen to read it.

A Way of Life

2006-08-14T22:49:00.000-05:00

I am a big believer in the idea that one's perceptions of the world around them are a reflection of their internal state of mind. Looking to before my accident, when life took a vacation, I felt kind of disjointed. There was work, friends, hobbies, and things I did for entertainment. And for the most part they didn't seem all that well connected. There seemed a lack of integration. Like one thing didn't compliment another, they were just things I did. I was curious if anyone who happened to read this felt that the elements of their life are well integrated. For instance, does your job compliment you, contradict you, or is it a separate entity into which you just put time in order to feed yourself? A better question may be, what is your way of life? In Fight Club, Tyler talks about how hitting bottom isn't a seminar or weekend retreat, it's a way of life. What is your commitment? Did you find it or did it find you?

Side note: I am finally up on crutches and trying to figure out how to walk again. All the little muscles and joints in the foot don't seem to want to bear any weight. And not using my leg muscles for 6 weeks caused me to lose 15 lbs.

Tagged!!

2006-07-28T23:44:00.000-05:00

What the heck?.....no, no, no.......oh crap.......all right, I suppose.

Nearly two years into blogging and I've finally been tagged, by Isaiah/Tommy.

The first player of this game starts with "5 weird things/habits about yourself". In the end you need to choose 5 people to be tagged and list their names. The people who get tagged need to write a blog about their 5 weird things/habits, as well as state this rule clearly, then tag 5 more victims. Don't forget to leave your victim a comment that says "you're tagged!" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

"5 weird things/habits about me"

#1 When it rains I like to go out to drain puddles and dam flow ways.

#2 When eating, I finish each dish completely before moving onto the next one.

#3 Don’t be frightened but I found this to be fairly interesting.

#4 Agree with Isaiah, getting snowed in is awesome. Have had the experience many times.

#5 I almost never send on chain letters so in that spirit I will not be passing on this tag. Also, I don’t know five active bloggers who I would feel comfortable tagging. I am possibly risking some terrible wrath by not tagging someone else but given the last month, I'll take my chances.

Hope you find this fascinating!!!

What are the odds?

2006-07-11T23:13:00.000-05:00

Really all I was doing was repeating the same pattern I had been living for the last couple of months. Going a bit farther than common sense dictated and seeing what would happen. In the last month this philosophy had caused me to get lost, wipe out on my bicycle, and have to negotiate my way around a rattlesnake and a shooting range. For the most part it meant going out, not paying quite enough attention, getting in a bit of a pickle and then doing what it takes to get out. This involves frustration, determination, and a certain amount of satisfaction once I am able to extract myself from the situation.

On this fine day my friend Kyle and I were above tree line and hiking right around 12,000 feet. We had seen snow on the way up under trees and in other shady places that was sticking around despite the last month’s unrelenting heat. There were also lots of high altitude flowers speckled across the tundra for our viewing pleasure. It had been a relatively late start, 9:30, but we traveled quick and had been able to summit Fall Mountain and were looking to tackle Comanche Peak when my knees began to ache. We decided to head back by cutting down to a lower trail. This involved descending a rather steep slope to a picturesque lake.

A week and a half later I would watch Touching the Void where one of the narrators explained that 80% of all accidents happen on the descent. But for now I didn’t know that but it was rather obvious as there was lots of loose rock and the lead person was in constant danger of being struck by a displaced rock from the person following. To try and get around this landslide in waiting we headed for some snow with the thought in mind that we could slide down and find ourselves on flatter terrain. The top of the snow looked just a little too steep for traveling so we went down about 40 feet to reassess the slope. Things looked a little safer here so I whispered a quick prayer and got onto the snow.

I slid a little ways and stopped myself and repeated the process just to test things out. But when I started sliding again I was unable to stop or even really direct myself. I quickly gained speed while desperately trying to get a grip on the slick surface. There have been moments past in tight situations where I felt that even though things looked bleak, I was on a path that fate was dictating and what appeared as beyond my control was in actuality a series of dynamic moves no more dangerous than crossing a foot bridge. Then there are other times where I tumble along like dice and my fate rest in cold probability. Interestingly enough Einstein said that God does not play dice with the universe while quantum mechanics says just the opposite. Of course they were talking subatomic particles, not foolish hikers.

Somewhere in that snowfield was a small buried boulder. My left foot struck it painfully and though I lost some speed I could also see and was beginning to feel that the ankle was severely dislocated. I slid a little farther before tumbling into more rocks and my resting spot guestimated as 200’ below where I started. Pulling myself into a sitting position I assessed my injuries as a really messed up left ankle, a sore right leg that I would later find out was broken, a bleeding posterior, and a rather cut up face that was having blood soaked up by my stocking cap. I was also five miles from the nearest road and I felt like dice.

Moving Forward

2006-05-28T18:13:00.000-05:00

To enjoy my Memorial Day weekend properly, I headed up to the mountains to camp and do a hike. As has been my trend lately, I decided to go cross country and use my skill and guile to find my way instead of a mindless pre-set trail. Through appropriate determination and concentration, I would be able to reach my goal. In this case my goal was the summit of one Lookout Mountain.

My only tools were some topographic maps and a watch. It’s always interesting on these trips as I try to figure out exactly where I am based on terrain features such as hills, creeks, fence lines, and forest roads that I stumble across. It isn’t unusual for me to frequently revise my location as new information comes to my attention. For instance I will cross a creek and start to think it is a specific creek on the map and then later find myself at another creek and thinking, ‘well, maybe this is actually it and the other one was a different drainage’. In favorable terms, I consider myself to constantly be revising my mental map of the land and my location in it. This particular trip was made more difficult by my starting camp and my destination mountain being on two different panels.

Things went smoothly enough for the first couple of hours but then I had to work my way around some private property and lost sight of Lookout Mountain for a considerable time and distance. When I finally reemerged onto a rocky crest I was able to pick out the one mountain that stood above the rest, as shown on the map, and try to figure out the best way to approach it. My mountain appeared more formidable at this closer distance as I tried to locate myself on the topo map. Since my watch said it was almost 1:00, the sun should be directly to the south, and my planned route should have Lookout Mountain to the southeast. But it wasn’t, it was to the south west. What the heck? I couldn’t reconcile the state of the situation. Had I gone all the way around Lookout? Was the sun really not in the south at midday? Neither of these seemed plausible but I had no explanation to resolve what I saw. So, I just kept moving ahead. Eventually I got on a trail and came to a junction. This made sense, the map showed only one trail junction and it was at the base of Lookout Mountain. But the posted signs didn’t fit with the map. One said I was at the edge of a wilderness area and there were no wilderness areas anywhere near the junction on the map. The other one had an arrow for Lookout Mountain Trail but it was pointing downhill while the arrow pointing uphill read ‘Signal Mountain Trail’. However, the map showed that at the junction the path up to Lookout was clearly uphill while the other trail went downhill. I decided that the sign must be wrong and started on the uphill route which the map said was a generally north running route.

A few hundred yards in I was still facing way more towards the sun than I should be. Reality finally decided to make a guest appearance in my consciousness and suggest that maybe all the signs and terrain were correct and what was incorrect was my assumption about where I was. Everything clicked in rapid succession as I yanked out the adjoining map and saw what I already knew. I was heading up Signal Mountain.

At this point a certain word unfit for print was said about two dozen times. I have a friend who likes to avoid this by saying frick, I never picked up that habit.

What this meant was that I was too far from Lookout Mountain to be able to get up it and back to camp in daylight. Since I had no flashlight and was also running low on water, I would have to head back. I turned around and dejectedly started down the slope. Luckily I took one last opportunity to look at my map and confirm my stupidity only to realize that I was less than half a mile from Signal Mountain which is even higher than Lookout. So I turned around again and started for a new summit. Half an hour later I was there, enjoying the view, the springtime alpine flowers, and watching a couple of marmots briefly act confused over the presence of a human on their lonely peak. It wasn’t the goal I originally set out for but I did find it worthwhile.

Before I set out on the hike I read a small bit from a book where the author explained that ‘People have a nasty tendency to establish parameters and formulate plans and contemplate the future before the present makes itself evident’. Guilty. I saw my goal and established what it was. I ignored everything that said otherwise and continued on my way. Arrogance, stubbornness, a deep desire to establish a concrete map of reality, a map based on my perceptions and not the truth around me. I could say that I need to be more careful about examining my assumptions. But I was aware for quite some time that what I saw wasn’t matching what I thought. For whatever reason, resolution was only achieved by continuation on my path. I think it may be a dead end trap to try and avoid false subconscious assumptions through conscious efforts. Perhaps I should continue on as best I can until the time for realization is right and accept that this time is not of my choosing.

As for false assumptions, everyone has them. For instance, on my was back I walked right by a remote campsite and I’m pretty sure one of its two inhabitants had an unconscious assumption that went something like this: ‘since we’re in the middle of the woods, I can dance around with my upper body exposed and only my boyfriend will see’. This assumption was carried out even as I wandered directly into her field of view. I was able to shake this false reality by saying ‘Hi’ at which point she covered up and fled while her boyfriend smiled and said ‘Happy Memorial Day man’.

Interesting day. I guess I should keep on keeping on and trust that the truth will be revealed to me in due time. And maybe along the way I could have some more fun if I learned to dance like no one’s watching.

Pictures (no, none of the dancer) can be found here

Ninth Circle

2006-05-15T19:15:00.000-05:00

He felt stuck, frozen in place, unable to do anything to remove himself or to express himself. There was no release. The doubt and denial emanate from inside him. Attempts to remedy the ‘problem’ only serve to propagate it further into his external world and thus worsen the situation. He only needed to sit still and let the light melt the ice into tears.

Because I like to post at least once a month....

2006-04-24T12:21:00.000-05:00

....though I don't know why but anyway....

When you’re up and feeling positive the world seems a wonderful place. When you’re feeling low everything looks like mud. Corruption, contempt, greed, anger, jealousy, apathy and fear are everywhere. What we see and how we react is a reflection of how we feel inside and how we feel about ourselves. Rephrase as the outside world is an extension of our inside self.

Winter is a State of Mind

2006-03-12T21:00:00.000-06:00

Winter happens every year. Life goes dormant while the cold weather sets in. Everything sits still and waits for the right conditions before life can begin again. It is simply a reaction to the environmental conditions.

What about people? It is an amazing process when the conditions are such that a person can gently open up to the world around them and become more alive. And it is a cold and empty feeling that develops when you run into harsher conditions and find yourself becoming dormant.

Winter does serve a purpose though. The inhospitable conditions that kill and decay serve to clean up for a new season of growth. The nonessential is whittled away and only the core is spared. I’m hoping the same pattern holds true in the sphere of human activities. And if so, how bloody long do the seasons last? Winter in particular.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at

the daily miracles of your life, your pain would

not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart,

even as you have always accepted the seasons that

pass over your fields.

Kahlil Gibran~The Prophet

Shades of Grey

2006-02-22T22:40:00.000-06:00

Some things you feel like you just know. The light of truth shines so brilliantly that you can’t help but understand. Good or bad I confess that I feel a certain pleasure when seeing things like this. The vantage point provided by a heightened sense of awareness gives me the ability to see my past in a positive light, no matter how painful an incident may have been. To believe I have a deep understanding of myself and the nature of the world around me provides a sense of peace.

As of late however, the world seems to have conspired to shroud me in a fog. Or maybe I’ve just moved into deeper waters and there’s an adjustment period before I can see things clearly. Either way it’s not exactly a fun situation. My senses feel deadened. Instead of a journey life seems like a series of choices with no good outcomes. Too often I feel like chasing, too much I want to control. Not giving myself the room to be centered. Everything seems to require massive amounts of energy.

To use an analogy, when I feel calm and at peace my actions tend to naturally flow. Imagine a freshly tapped artesian well, nothing needed to get the water, it just flows. But in the Grey Zone things need to be forced, pumped as it were. This would be a small perched aquifer without much capacity. Expend yourself to get some result that isn’t all that great and then wait while you recharge.

Right or wrong, black or white
Cross the line you’re gonna pay,
In the dawn before the light,
Live or die by shades of gray
~Robert Earl Keen

On the positive side, the weather has been clearing as of late and maybe if I just open my eyes I’ll see there aren’t any clouds.

The Past

2006-01-08T10:52:00.000-06:00

He had asked his mother the meaning of the stripes on the chipmunk's back. Those stripes, she said, were the paths from its eyes, with which it sees now and tomorrow, to its tail, which is always behind it and a part of yesterday. He had laughed at that and said he wished he, too, had a tail. His mother had said, "When you are a man you will have a tail, though you will never see it. You will have something always behind you."
Now he understood. Now he knew that time lays scars on a man like the chipmunk's stripes, paths that lead from where he is now back to where he came from, from the eyes of his knowing to the tail of his remembering. They are the ties that bind a man to his own being. ~ When the Legends Die by Hal Borland

I believe I promised that bit in my last post. So there it is. Interesting subject though, the past. I can look back on my own and catalog a wide variety of incidents. Embarrassing, stupid, funny, happy, soul-stirring, sad, scary, angry, moments when I was impressed with myself, moments when I was disgusted with myself, ups and downs and everything in between. I can see how I've been shaped and things I've learned. I've been hurt-usually my own doing in some way-but like old scars on the body, they don't seem to hurt anymore......For the most part.

There are wounds though, that haven't yet seemed to heal. Experiences, not many but a few, where I can look back and still feel some of the pain. Why is that? Combat veterans will still feel the scars of their experiences many years later, some for the rest of their lives. Those are the most extreme cases, but I think everybody has these scars, parts of their past that they can't let go of, can't forget. They seem to be emotional events that severely stretch or shatter people. But what exactly is getting stretched/shattered?

Based on my own experience, I think it is one's perception of reality that gets realigned. Take a small example. Imagine playing poker. I believe myself to have the superior hand. I bet up the pot, already anticipicating that it will be mine, the last bet is made, I lay down my full house and see that my opponent has four of a kind. Ouch, that hurts. My perception of reality and all that went with it were swiftly kicked in groin and thrown into the garbage. Now go to a bigger scale, find an experience that trashes your sense of identity, lays waste to deeply held beliefs, makes one aware of even deeper subconscious beliefs and their fallacy, destroys your sense of control, and happens in a relatively short period of time. I guess that's going to hurt for awhile. Hopefully it will remind me that I need to continually be revising my perception of reality.

That would be a great place to end, but I have one more thought. Imagine if an experience happened and severely changed your sense of reality in a good way. What if it showed you how much more was possible, how much more you were capable of, how much more there was to life. What would that make you feel?

A well written, semi relevant article can be found here.

Random Thoughts-Because TODAY demands some thinking, no matter how disjointed

2005-12-19T21:10:00.000-06:00

#1. At times life seems to be a balancing act. Very few rules always apply, I need balance. But it can be easy to rely on a crutch-i.e.-just be positive, just let it go, just ignore it, be kind, be a jerk. Life presents such a wide variety, judgement is called for. The crutch means you don't have to think, you just fall back on a code, or habit, or behavior and damn the consequences. The crutch can prevent you from falling, from getting hurt, or even worrying about getting hurt.

I don't think balance is easy. To me it seems like trying to keep a boat or vehicle on course when the steering equipment is so incredibly sensitive that overcorrection is almost a given.

#2. I sometimes think I’m in control. I tell myself stuff, see myself in a place and start to think that it was entirely my own forethought and actions that put me where I am. I’ve done this for both good and bad situations; have to be honest, right? And yet, if I am honest, I realize there's more to it. Events beyond my control, beyond my sphere of influence, will happen and I will be affected.

How much is really under my control?

Can you improve your life through positive thinking? Or can you just numb yourself to reality enough that you no longer feel any pain. No pain, better life, right? I think not.

#3. What am I? Some time back I had this vision of myself, and of course I projected this view onto every one else. But it starts with me, in the center, surrounded by a most elaborate setup of funhouse mirrors. The mirrors are my mind, body, personality, and experiences. Reality, what's outside my mirrors, gets distorted on the way in. And interestingly enough, just it coming in changes the mirrors ever so slightly. The mirrors of course work in both directions. I may have sincere intentions, but things get twisted on their way out. And if it is in regards to someone else, well then their mirrors will further amplify the effect.

#4 Apparently another way to ask "Who am I" is "To what should I attend"

#5. Concerning the past and its present effects there is a really neat bit at the end of "When the Legends Die" by Hal Borland that talks about chipmunks and their stripes. I'll put it up later.

#6. Not mine, I'm stealing. The paradoxical part of the identification syndrome is that until it has been resolved there can be no friendship and no love-only hate. Until we can allow others to be themselves, and others to be free, it is impossible to truly love another human being; neurotic and dependent love is, perhaps possible, but not genuine love, which can be generated only in the self. ~ E.T. Hall from Beyond Culture

In other words, by understanding and accepting yourself, you can understand and accept others.

Summary: Any one of these, if properly expounded upon, could have been great blog entries. But I just haven't felt up to it. Oh well, time for bed.

Living in the Past

2005-11-18T19:18:00.000-06:00

All around, plenty to do, much to see, a world of opportunities.
And yet, when quiet, when alone, when still
Your eye lashes flash as if to get a better view
But the only thing you're seeing is the past

Catching a Glimpse

2005-11-12T10:40:00.000-06:00

Doing whatever for no reason, or for bad reasons. Wondering, agonizing, worrying over whether you are where you should be, if you are doing what you should be doing. Having a few things happen, hearing a few quiet clicks. Realizing you are right where God wants you to be and realizing you are always there. I think that is feeling God's Love.

Stop Trying to Hit Me and HIT ME

2005-10-30T17:14:00.000-06:00

Hopefully at some point in time you’ve seen The Matrix. This blog’s title is a line from that movie. I remember hearing it and thinking “huh?” Recently I watched the movie again after having not seen it in a few years and this time I thought “Wow!”

What was being said was “Don’t TRY to do something, DO it.”

When TRYING to do something, you can acknowledge the logic of it, you can study the nuances, but there is still doubt in your mind and as a result the whole process can feel rather uncomfortable and unnatural.

But, when DOING something everything seems to be natural, all things are integrated. Difficulties associated with any task seem to shrink to insignificance. There is no doubt, only absolute certainty. You see the path, you are the path. You feel like you can shoot fire from your fingertips. Long odds don’t matter. For you baseball fans, think of Kirk Gibson’s one at bat in the ’88 World Series or the 2004 Red Sox. Nothing can stop you.

It is more than just confidence
It is lightning in a bottle
It is a state of mind
You Believe

My question is: What is the psychological trigger that gets tripped to put one in this state of mind?

I’ve heard people talk about positive visualization, meditation, and focusing. Unfortunately, for the most part I seem to get there by pain and frustration. When a situation becomes so intolerable, I don’t really care about anything but changing it. At that point, FEAR disappears and determination is the only thing present. Fear seems to be an anchor that will pull one under. Lighten that anchor, and you can swim. Release that anchor, and you can walk on water.

It’s easy to see the use of this state of mind when in a tight spot. Channeling all your energy towards a desired end. The full throttle, scorched earth, high intensity efforts that make you feel alive. This kind of expenditure though, does not seem possible to keep up for long. So what does one do in the quieter moments, the time between times?

One final question to ponder, how do you get into any state of mind?

Identity

2005-10-30T14:45:00.000-06:00

Might as well ask, what’s real? What do we identify with? What seems real to you or me?

As a reverse, what doesn’t seem to matter, or what do we disregard?

People get disregarded all the time because of what they look like, what they think, where they are from, their race, their religion, their gender, their social behavior. Or maybe better said, they get judged and categorized based on these observations. People tie their own identities to their jobs, race, religion, etc. And so they tend to tie other people’s identities to these things also without getting to know them. Even in conversation with strangers one tends to ask, “what do you do?” and “where are you from?” thus associating a person with their job and where they grew up.

So how does one really get to know a person? In my humble opinion, I think you see people best when they are put to a test. A test is when a person has to drop all other associations and act from the point within. Historically it seems to take hard times or crisis situations to really see a person’s character. Some world leaders have even said that they didn’t really get to have a defining moment because there was no situation big enough for them to rise to the occasion.

Gets to the old question of whether a person makes the times or the times make the person. Another question is brings up (at least in this mind) is whether you can see people’s true characters or even your own in a society that is overly safe and benign. But (once again IMHO) I think there are moments and situations all around. They just involve setting aside the things that you normally identify with and getting to the heart of the matter. You can live your whole life identifying with things that really don’t matter, and only realize what does matter when it becomes too late.

So ask yourself, what do you identify with? Do you get anxious and worry over things you shouldn’t?

If I find myself worrying about something, that usually means I am associating my identity with it.

Next part, what do you disregard? What things are ok to do that with? And in what areas are you rationalizing so you don’t have to let go of things you identify with?

And what did we learn from this little escapade?

2005-09-01T20:06:00.000-05:00

The sun was down, light was fading, the trail was becoming harder to discern, and I wasn’t even to the top yet. A trail can be pretty easy to follow through thick brush, but once it gets onto large rocks and boulders, you have to look for trail markers. The markers are usually a few small rocks stacked on top of each other. However, with fading light they are very hard to see. Though I wanted to get to the top as fast as possible, I had to take my time at certain places. I had to pick my way from one marker to the next. When I wasn’t sure where to go, I would pause. I found that the answer usually became clear after a moment. Going up, it was fun to find the way, it was life on easy street. Going down was life on the other side of the tracks. The light was gone, there was no moon, and I’ve always found going down to be much harder than going up, even in daylight. My mind wandered a bit too much a couple of times and I found myself off the path. Discerning the correct way had become much harder. It took two hours to get up, four were needed to get down. But the same principles were still in play. I just had to get more creative and be prepared to pause a bit longer. For instance, using a cell phone display screen to light a map isn’t ideal, but it works. By the end I was tired, sore, and mentally drained. I hadn’t had the focus or discernment that would have made getting down much easier, but I had enough to get down. I guess you can’t always get what you want, but hopefully you get what you need.--Ain't it fun to steal lines from the Stones

F O C U S

2005-08-23T15:01:00.000-05:00

Growing up and conducting day to day life, there are always people telling you to focus.

Pay Attention!!!
Get your head in the game!!

I always imagined some sort of white knuckled intensity. However, I also heard a lot about needing to be relaxed, loose, comfortable. The two seem quite contradictory. Relaxed has always had the connotation of being limp and apathetic. But I'm starting to see that I can be relaxed and focused. In fact, I would say that part of being focused is being relaxed. When my body is tense, it means I am already leaning a certain way. And if my mind is tense, it is already going off in a certain direction. But when both are relaxed, they are open. An open mind is one that takes everything in objectively. The situation is seen as cleary as possible. All preconceptions and bias are set aside and reality is granted the forefront. The focused mind and body are at the apex of agility and ready to move any direction one chooses.

I am finding that it takes quite a bit of time to get myself well focused, but the better focused I am, the longer it takes for me to lose it. I have the habit of always trying to see possibilities, however remote. But almost all situations come in ways that I don't forsee. I do my best when I don't worry so much about what MIGHT happen as concentrate on what IS happening. There are times to look ahead and search out possibilities, but it should be undertaken carefully as it usually comes at the expense of the present.

Trying to think back, I do my best focusing when I search myself out, attempt to see myself as I am, the good and the bad. I try to banish stray thoughts and endless tangents. Begone worries and hopes. Bills, work hassels, personal life, all out the window. It gets pretty tough. Always seems to be something that I should be doing. Especially in Colorado. The whole place (Front Range at least) seems to be addicted to being busy. For instance, my lunch break is about over and I need to get back to work. The whole idea of being focused is kind of taking on a new meaning for me. If anyone has any thoughts, you know what to do.

Fragile

2005-07-28T19:29:00.000-05:00

Lots of unseen things that we take for granted are constantly maintaining our mental health. An evolved infrastructure is generally needed. Much like the one that is present for the delivery of materials, which is also usually taken for granted. The rugged mountain man can handle an interruption to civilization’s material infrastructure. What kind of person is prepared for the interruption to their mental infrastructure?

For myself, I recently felt quite a bit of frustration since dislocating my shoulder. I slowly regained some use, but lost it with surgery and it will be a while before I get back to “normal”. The loss of full utility of my left arm compromised a lot of the things I do. This left me doing less, this in turn left my body with lots of spare energy and no effective ways to get rid of it. This led to me being unable to sleep-insomnia is no fun. What sleep I got was fitful and not deep. This led to a less than optimistic mood. The convergence of a few things was able to quickly and dramatically affect the way I felt. What to do? A couple of options:

Establish a deeper infrastructure that can withstand some interruptions.

Try and understand emotions and thinking well enough so that they remain stable no matter what the weather.

Special Thanks to Pam, Melinda, Erin & Mike for looking out for me.

PAIN

2005-07-15T20:40:00.000-05:00

It was certainly unexpected. I was not expecting to get injured in leisure league softball. But I slid back to the base and had the fielder land on my shoulder. It definitely didn’t feel right and I guessed that it had been dislocated. The next 2 hours were spent getting to the ER, filling out paper work, getting X-rays and enduring a rather fierce level of pain. The pain becomes paramount in your mind and all actions are towards the purpose of easing that pain. The most effective method seems to be to distract yourself from the pain. I chewed on my belt, made small talk with hospital personnel and other patients, found stupid little things to focus on, replayed the injury in my head, talked to myself, cursed, tapped my feet, rolled around in the wheel chair, whatever distracted me. Sitting still was not an option.

When the good doctor finally got to me, I was hoping for some relief. He pulled on my arm with a steady unrelenting grip that was designed to fatigue the muscles. After several minutes of this I was very uncomfortable and about ready for some morphine or something. But then he added some more pressure and a slight torque. There were a couple of quiet clicks and an immediate sense of pleasure as my pain virtually disappeared. I had a stupid grin on my face that was completely involuntary and could not be wiped away. The removal of pain that had been persistently present simply made me happy.

How much of happiness is the absence of pain? Doctors will prescribe drugs to numb the pain while your body goes about the business of physical recovery. But what about people with mental and psychological injuries? Will their minds heal while they are numb? It is easy to see how people can become addicted to drugs if it eases pain, whether physical or emotional. Knowing that the pain can disappear instantly makes any solution seem worthwhile. I guess that’s why torture is sometimes used in interrogation. How much of daily activity is done to relieve the various forms of pain that will surface if we sit still?

FEAR

2005-07-11T19:23:00.000-05:00

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
(Taken from Dune by Frank Herbert)

I wanted to do it. I just didn’t know if I could. To step off the absolute solid ground I knew and out into the void with nothing beneath my feet and nothing that I could hold on to. To step away from solid ground is to walk right into the fear that is present just beyond the edge. The fear was a psychological wall that manifested itself within my mind to the point that it exerted physical control.

I was out camping this weekend and had the opportunity to go cliff jumping. The weather was sunny and temps were in the 90s. In cliff jumping, the words of a certain green midget ring true. Do or do not. There is no try. I had previously done some shallow cliff jumping (about 10 ft) and thought I would be good to go. But the first cliff my friend brought me to was a stony pinnacle that rose up by itself. It barely had room to stand and was a good 30 feet above the water. I climbed up and looked down and felt the barrier. I told myself “a moment of pain or a lifetime of regret.” Sadly I went with regret and took a jump from a much shorter ledge. A little while later I jumped from a slightly higher distance (15 ft or so). But there were no more easy ones. I went to a 30 ft cliff and watched my friends and other people jump. I looked over, thought about it, and told myself to just do it but could not. I questioned why I couldn’t but no answer was forthcoming. I contemplated until the tops of my feet were sunburned, but logic could not defeat emotion. After awhile, I sort of went blank and then felt calm. I got up walked to the ledge, felt the fear, and stepped off.

I wasn’t sure if the fear passed me by or if I passed through it. I went to an even higher ledge to find out. The fear was there, but greatly diminished. So this time, I let it pass and then jumped. I did a few more jumps without any unease but knew I had one more test to go, the pinnacle. The pinnacle has a bit of a twist. You can’t get a warm-up step to build momentum. Everything is right there confronting you. A moment of pain or a lifetime of regret. I left with no regrets.

Everyone builds realities that are based on perception and experience. They hold on to these realities, always wanting some sort of ground beneath their feet. The power of fear can be tremendous and will not go away with time. It must be faced head on and with full realization. Don’t duck it, dodge it, or run from it. Confront it, feel it, and let it pass. Only you will remain and where the fear was, there will be nothing, not even regret.

A couple of cliff pics for your viewing pleasure are available
http://high-country-adventures.blogspot.com/2005/07/camping-cliff-jumping-stray-dogs.html http://high-country-adventures.blogspot.com/2005/07/pinnacle.html

Wicked Twisted Road

2005-06-30T15:22:00.000-05:00

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. Edward Abbey

Now Abbey may have been talking about mountains, but I like to think he was also talking about life. There are lots of proverbs and quotes out there wishing one and all an easy and joyful path. A walk through the tulip fields as it were. However, paths of realization and truth are often difficult and hard. The moments of deepest reality are found through confrontation with pain, weakness, solitude, and mortality. These paths are dangerous and by no means a sure thing. There is much ahead that can’t be seen. So although it isn’t anything you would ask for, maybe be a little thankful for the crooked paths you have traveled. And maybe even hope for some unforeseen events, dangers, surprises, and rewards.

Landscaping 101

2005-05-22T21:58:00.000-05:00

So I was listening to some Pink Floyd the other day (seriously…no I wasn’t on drugs) and was intrigued by the ideas of making an entire album, and a double one at that, about emotional walls. The more I listened around, the more the subject came up among other artists.

Tom Petty: “All around your island, there’s a barricade” Walls
U2: “I want to tear down the walls that hold me inside” Where the Streets Have No Name
The Offspring: “Knock down the walls, it’s alive in you” Original Prankster
James McMurtry: “Can I help you tear your fences down” Don’t Waste Away

So what are these walls and where do they come from?

The idea of walls is that you subconsciously develop a series of beliefs that control and imprison you. In the world around you there is an infinite variety of people and ideas, yet most people tend to do the same things over and over. How much out there do we dismiss? How much of it is even conscious? There are so many things we do unconsciously. We have been trained and sheer repetition has made it so we don’t even think about it anymore. As an example, try writing out your name. Now go back and look at some of the individual letters. Which part of the letter did you write first? Could you start elsewhere and still end up with the same letter and look? Now, there really isn’t any reason to think about each letter of you handwriting, as it would be incredibly inefficient to try writing anything of length if you had to concentrate on each letter. But how many other things in your life are that way? What things are there that you do without even thinking? Are there some where you maybe should think about it? Has your knowledge or pride made you so sure of things that they are now bedrock and not even questioned and rarely thought about? Are there people or ideas that you simply won’t even entertain?

All right, so everyone has walls, now where do they come from? Roger Waters, the guiding force in Pink Floyd back in the day, seemed to blame teachers and his mother for getting his wall started. The lyrics from Mother are quite pointed: “Momma’s going to put all of her fears into you”, “Momma won’t let anyone dirty get through” and “Of course Momma’s going to help build the wall”. Your parents are generally your first and main source of early beliefs, so what they tell you can have a lasting effect. Perhaps teenage rebellion is a built in genetic safeguard. As for the educational system, no doubt about that one. How much of what we are taught are we told just to accept? Most classes seem to emphasize knowing things over understanding them. Though there are the great classes and teachers that make you think for yourself. But much of the educational system is there to train young people in ways that will make them productive proper citizens.

So is there a point to walls? Well sure there is. They do serve as a safeguard and mental defense that can help keep you on track. The ancient and medieval walls were a place of safety where people could retreat in times of danger. Similarly, when people or ideas start to make us uncomfortable, we will retreat, close up, not be open. In this way we can avoid embarrassment, discomfort, anxiety, and pain. Sometimes the concerns are just, but the walls can also keep out ideas. Think of the Berlin Wall. They may allow you to stay comfortable, but keeping the moments of despair out can also mean barring the entrance of extreme joy. Staying with the Pink Floyd theme, you lose your sense of wonder, build your walls and become Comfortably Numb. In essence, you aren’t living, you’re just waiting for the worms.

It’s a bit of trick, you can’t just tear down everything at once. For starters, you need to be able to recognize your walls. If you’re “Normal” it may be difficult. Your walls may be similar to those around you, making them difficult to recognize. But if you can get a little bit of different perspective, you may start to see yourself and others in a different light. Roger Waters for instance, was a world famous rock star. That likely provided a perspective that most people don’t have. Once you recognize your walls, well, then things get a lot harder. You have to venture outside your comfort zone, go into unfamiliar territory where danger may lurk. You have to let your defenses down and have a little trust that barbarian hordes will not come raging in. Maybe have faith, or trust in the words of Einstein. He said that each person experiences themselves, and their ideas and feelings, as something separated from the rest. He called this a kind of optical delusion of the conscious that imprisons us.

Of course you could opt to stay blissful and ignorant. After all, why disturb life in paradise? Here’s one reason. Those walls that get built nice and high keep light from getting in. They keep you from knowing more about yourself. They limit you, imprison you, keep you from finding yourself.

If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

A couple of final thoughts
#1. I managed to use Einstein and Pink Floyd in the same blog.
#2. This subject is fascinating and really tripping me out (No, I’m not on drugs). So if anybody has any thoughts, please feel free to share them with the comments option. Come on…push your comfort level.

Out of Time

2005-05-17T13:30:00.000-05:00

I must’ve stumbled somewhere along the way. Did you ever have one of those days where somewhere in the course of events, something slipped. It was as though you stepped out of time at a certain point. You are no longer relative, nothing seems to be quite right, to have any meaning. Nobody has the perspective that you do. Everyone around you is either a step ahead or a step behind.

According to Einstein, everything except light is relative. Those that have the same reference see things in the same way. Therefore I must have stepped out of time the other day. Nothing around me seemed quite real. Within my own frame of reference everything was normal, but the outside seemed to be out of sync. I heard words and sentences but very few of them seemed to register. Every conversation seemed a bit off. Almost as if I wasn’t quite there. Even in big city traffic with three lanes going the same way, there wasn’t a single car within 100 ft of me. There were a bunch up ahead and a bunch behind, but none in my vicinity. I must have stumbled, for just a second, somewhere, at sometime. Now............. how to catch back up?

Open Those Curtains

2005-05-15T18:34:00.000-05:00

They say that the eyes are the windows into the soul. Interestingly enough, if you look into your own eyes in the mirror you will see a reflection. Our eyes are the instruments through which we receive most of our information about the outside world. The eyes are the windows into the soul not because of what you can see in other people’s eyes but what they have seen through theirs. Indeed, the angle or distance from which something is viewed affects tremendously what we see. And what we see in turn shapes or reflects who we are, at least according to most of the psychiatric and psychological knowledge that is out there. We take in and act out. We are what we eat. Sort of like a giant, very complex reaction chamber. Experiences and information is filtered in through our senses, processed by our brain and output as our character. But what is deeper than just our perceptions? What is there to begin with that our experiences may not shape but only serve to bring out? What is behind the reflection? What is on the other side? Is there something that is utterly you that was not shaped by the world around you?

An Interesting Thought

2005-04-30T22:45:00.000-05:00

Usually I like to tie a variety of ideas together into my own, but on this occasion I felt I should present some raw data that I found to be rather uniquely written.

Mature awareness is possible only when I have digested and compensated for the biases and predjudices that are the residue of my personal history. Awareness of what presents itself to me involves a double movement of attention : silencing the familiar and welcoming the strange. Each time I approach a strange object, person, or event, I have a tendency to let my present needs, past experience, or expectations for the future determine what I will see. If I am to appreciate the uniqueness of any datum, I must be sufficiently aware of my preconcieved ideas and characteristic emotional distortions to bracket them long enough to welcome strangeness and novelty into my perceptual world. This discipline of bracketing, compensating, or silencing requires sophisticated self-knowledge and courageous honesty. Yet, without this discipline each present moment is only the repetition of something already seen or experienced. In order for genuine novelty to emerge, for the unique presence of things, person, or event to take root in me, I must undergo a decentralization of the ego.
----Sam Keen

Chew on that one!

Take Me to the River

2005-04-12T00:08:00.000-05:00

People like to compare life to many things. Sports announcers do it all the time. The general point of such an exercise, other than filling time on TV, is to make someone see their life as something more than just day to day events. So, for today I’ll go and compare life to a river.

Start by imagining yourself as a small mountain stream, high up, fast moving, unpredictable, near the beginning. A small storm can have you spilling out of your banks and a few well placed controls, such as large boulders, can alter and control your course. But as you move farther along, the stream picks up volume, becomes harder to control and it takes a larger storm to upset the course. Once out of the mountains the waters become less clear as parts of the world that aren’t so clean start to contribute. Far from the source the stream has become a river. It is deep and appears relatively calm but subtle movement on the surface can betray deeper more violent currents. To alter this river’s course or get it out of its banks takes a major event. But before you either forget this analogy or shred it, ask yourself a couple more questions. What happens when you dam the river? What happens when the dam breaks?

The Natural

2005-03-31T00:37:00.000-06:00

It’s that time of year again folks. Spring is in the air which means it is time for baseball season! Thus I do believe a baseball analogy is in order for today. I’m going to be comparing a couple of hall of fame residents, Babe Ruth and Ted Williams. The Babe was simply put, probably the greatest player of all time. He is well known for being a great hitter, someone whose home run numbers were unimaginable when they happened. But before becoming the Sultan of Swat, he was among the better pitchers in the game. He was twice a 20 game winner and was 3-0 in three World Series appearances. Ted Williams is considered to be the purest hitter to ever play. He managed to hit 521 career homeruns while missing 5 prime seasons serving his country in WWII and Korea. Both were great, but what made them great? With Ruth it appears to be a wealth of natural talent. He was a good pitcher and a legendary hitter. He just seemed to have it. He was gifted, he was The Natural. Ted Williams no doubt also had some talent. But his best asset was his ability to understand the art and science of hitting. He was a slow runner and a below average fielder but he brought everything he had to the plate. He broke it down and tried to understand everything. He would meticulously sand his bats to achieve the perfect balance and weight. He had his own personal pitcher for batting practice. He divided his strike zone up into different parcels and determined his batting average for each one. This way he knew not just to swing at strikes, but which strikes gave him the best opportunity to get a hit. Where his talent ended, his desire and commitment to understanding took over.

So think about the people you know. Are there some with a large amount of natural talent? Individuals who seem to pick things up without having to try. Then there are those who may not have quite the natural ability, but by understanding the forces at work are able to develop a high level of skill. In reality, there are very few if any naturals. There is the occasional savant but nobody calls them natural. Sooner or later everybody runs into their talent wall. If they wish to advance further they will need to develop their understanding. So what do you do well? What don’t you do so well? How far has your talent taken you? How far can your understanding take you?

What goes around

2005-03-26T01:11:00.000-06:00

So there I was, having a conversation about how the consequences of actions can take time to occur. In other words, actions you take today may not have any appreciable results for some time. Two days later I'm stuck in the ditch between Edgemont and Hot Springs. A truck has stopped and the driver has some rope but no way to hook on to my car. Then I remember that just that morning I had decided to throw a 100 foot length of 1/4 inch rope into my bag. The driver of the truck used this to help hook up my car. With some assistance from a young air force cadet and his friend, we were able to get my car back on the road. Now this rope had been traveling with me for well over a year, ever since I had procurred it during grad school. I knew it could be useful but had no idea where or when.

A longer term of actions and results was on display though also. The people who helped get me out did it because that's the type of people they were. No specific action was taken in their youth so that they would help unfortunate motorists. It was more likely a continual environment of showing concern for others. Sometimes you are the right person at the right time and circumstances give you the opportunity to help. You don't need to go looking for it, it usually finds you. Looking ahead, what will be the consequences of their actions. Will I find myself to be the right person at the right time? Will the kindness shown to me by others help me recognize the same kind of opportunity when it presents itself? It's rather funny the way things tend to work out. As I continued on my way, wondering about circumstance and meaning versus dumb luck, I was passed by a vehicle with personalized plates that read "ITSFATE".

Into the Fire

2005-03-13T00:32:00.000-06:00

Change, it is as inevitable as death and taxes. And like death and taxes, most people do their best to avoid it. Most people tend to have some things they want to change, but also a large amount they want to be stable, constant, reliable, absolute. It seems to be an integral part of being human in that the actions we partake in are the forces that create change, yet we try to avoid it, or control it at the least. We want what change there is to be slow, predictable, and manageable. This way, you can get locked in, find your groove as it were. But to me a groove almost sounds like a rut, and the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. But when change is slow, you can get in a groove and let life play out like a song.

Now fast change is almost universally avoided, mostly because it is very unpredictable. In most cases it is brought on by events and necessity rather than by conscious planning. This is not just on an individual level either. Politicians like to take advantage of crisis situations, and if there isn’t one they like to foster the sense that there is a crisis. This creates a sense of urgency. The situation isn’t even unique to humans. In nature, the fastest change happens during extreme events. Rivers that have been relatively stable for decades can erode and change course very quickly during one extreme event. The string of hurricanes in Florida last year caused such a turnover in beach material that a couple of class rings from the 1960’s were brought to the surface. These changes are brought about when stresses and forces that aren’t common are imparted on the systems.

But back to the individual and fast change within them. Change at a high rate is a result of a shift in thinking. It can be brought about by a traumatic situation. I’ve also been told that good therapy will cause changes in thinking at a very high rate that most people will never experience. Either way it seems to be caused by a confrontation with previously unacknowledged or unknown entities. A person who has lived an isolated life would very quickly change if they were dropped into a war. They would face things they had never thought of. It could very likely scar them and this is why change at a high rate can be dangerous. High speed fundamental change, where it feels like every cell in your body is being continually stripped down and rebuilt at so incredible a pace that you can sense it happening, this is a scary proposition. It almost sounds like a cancerous growth, where self evaluation becomes hyper intensive and there is little room to gain perspective.

But here’s a different view, some perspective if you will. A person who changes quickly and can feel that change within won’t necessarily look that much different on the outside. But their inner matter has been reshaped, the alignment of their thinking has been altered, possibly made better. High quality swords are made by taking the metal and forging it, then folding, and then continually repeating the process thousands of times over. In this way the matter is realigned until it is much stronger than it originally was, even though its appearance is still quite similar to what it was. Perhaps crisis and the fast change that accompanies it should be seen as a way of forging people. As the old Chinese proverb says, every crisis carries two elements, danger and opportunity.

Experience and Judgment

2005-03-03T00:45:00.000-06:00

In many ways, hydrologic modeling is more an art than a science, and it is likely to remain so. Predictive hydrologic modeling is normally carried out on a given catchment using a specific model under the supervision of an individual hydrologist. The usefulness of the results depends in large measure on the talents and experience of the hydrologist and....understanding the mathematical nuances of the particular model and the hydrologic nuances of the particular catchment. It is unlikely that the results of an objective analysis of modeling methods ...can ever be substituted for the subjective talents of an experienced modeler. League & Freeze (1985)

There you have it, why experience and judgement tend to outweigh most other considerations when it comes to finding the right person for the job. Much like a watershed, a person can have many intangible quirks and qualities that in some cases make no difference and in other cases make all the difference. Experience and judgment are definitely qualities, but they are broad terms and it is tough to always pin down exactly what each is.

So what is experience and why is it important, can’t you intuitively figure anything out if you’re smart enough? Possibly, but the amount of time granted each of us is not infinite. Experience means you’re more likely to see what you’ve seen before. You’re more likely to recognize patterns, problems, and solutions. You’ll pick up on things more quickly, have a deeper understanding and know how to get things done in a timely fashion. You’ll also be more likely to know when something is beyond hope.

The weird thing with experience is the way in which people get it. Parents will expose their kids to certain things hoping for precise results and people will get involved with things looking for a certain outcome. More often than not though, events turn out differently. It can be to the point that the only way to guarantee an outcome won’t happen is to think about it happening. But, you usually do get something unexpected out of any experience and do learn something if you happen to pay attention. So therefore, the experience does help, just not in the way in which it was expected. It is always good to leave a little room open for the unexpected.

So what about judgment? Well, with a watershed there is literally an infinite amount of data that could be gathered and used to model it. Once again, the problem is time and resources. If both were infinite you could gather as much data as you wanted. But since this is reality, you need to make a judgment call on what data to get and then another judgment call on how to interpret that data. This holds true for anything. Every situation involves making a judgment call with the data available. Of course sometimes judgment tells you to get more data. But eventually you have to make a choice. So what is the best way to improve your judgment? With experience.

Given this, one can come to a conclusion and say, maybe I should just be looking for experiences and not planning any specific outcome. Try a variety of things. I can’t do the same thing over and over again and expect to get as much out of it. The law of diminishing returns will take effect. Challenge yourself, and see what there is to learn and how it can help in the future. So whether it’s a new career or a game of pool, bring it on.

Points of View

2005-03-02T22:41:00.000-06:00

Can you read minds? No. Neither can I. Sometimes I wish I could. Maybe not so much read minds as see the world through someone else’s eyes. Point of view, perception, general take on the situation. Everybody has their own and it is built on years of experience. Since everybody’s experiences vary, it only makes sense that their perceptions vary. So why is it so damn frustrating when you can’t see things like somebody else or get someone else to see things like you do?

The old salesman has only the goal of changing your view for a long enough period to separate you and your money. A lot of people figure if they just say something with enough volume or conviction, they will be able to sway you. But those methods are only short term. The volume and conviction are more a method to just make you question yourself. Because once you start to ask questions, you start to look for answers. And then you can educate yourself and come to your own conclusion, whatever it may be. But information is required. You can explain to somebody how you see things but you need to be smart enough to realize that you don’t understand everything. So then maybe they can tell you how they see things and you can both start to see the world through a different set of eyes.

What idiot is driving this ship?!!

2005-02-14T21:31:00.000-06:00

If life is indeed a journey, something you move through and take in as you pass, then who or what is the driver? I think I have two drivers: reason and emotion. Both have a hand on the reins. As to what should be driving, the best answer is probably neither. A balance is needed between the two. Too much of the former and you are left feeling empty and lacking of humanity. Over indulgence in the latter can leave you burned out and with no understanding of the environment around you. Humans are born with both, so it makes sense both logically and emotionally that each should be used to their fullest abilities while trying not to become too reliant on either one. It is easy to let one of the drivers take over and at that point you lose much of your control. Once you are aware of the two drivers, you need to understand how to use them, or how to let them direct you. And at this point things get a lot stickier. It is tempting to let anger or frustration drive you for short periods. It makes you resistant to normal pains and restrictions. An angry person can ignore impediments that a calm person cannot and can quickly achieve certain goals. The fiercest fighters in history, think Viking Berserkers or Phillipino Guerrillas, have not been operating on reason. But what are the long term implications? Can someone become reliant on resorting to anger help them move forward? What are the advantages of reason? Pure reason allows for a logical understanding of where you are versus where you want to be. But without emotion, you don’t have a check on your reason. People can and have rationalized damn near everything at one point or another. In the overall scheme of things, I doubt there are very many people who are truly either totally logical or totally emotional. Even the most coldly logical person can be moved by unacknowledged fears and insecurities while even the most emotional person can still exhibit a logic, no matter how twisted at times. Perhaps it is like the weather. There doesn’t have to be no rain for it to be a drought or non stop rain for a flood. There only has to be a significant departure from the average. Pure reason brings to mind a computer program where everything has to be defined exactly. Pure emotion sounds almost like animal instinct, with no long term vision. And a mix of the two sounds like every person I know. Just to end on a question; if there is reason and there is emotion, what is Faith?

A Gift to Myself

2005-01-25T00:08:00.000-06:00

So it was my birthday. I was in a new town and didn’t really know anybody to celebrate with. What should one do for their birthday? Well, traditionally gifts are given. I decided above all I would like an experience, preferably one with no permanent damage. My roommates and some visitors from SD decided to take matters into their own hands once I let it slip that it was indeed my birthday. The first rule was that I wouldn’t be driving. The second was I had better finish my wine before we left, so I complied. I spent the next few hours with the two roommates I had barely known a week and two other people whom I had just met. I also spent that time getting myself a little inebriated. This is a state of existence which is almost unknown to me, so I tried to actually note what was happening as best I could. The loss of coordination and awareness of surroundings were the most obvious signals. I also felt like I could go to sleep at any place and time. The really interesting thing to me was the conversation. A lot of inhibition and concern is removed. You say whatever you feel like and become fairly honest if not exactly intelligent or intelligible. I suppose it is a friendly version of truth serum. Now there is a lot of research that shows one or two drinks a day can be healthy, but multiple drinks is never good for you physically. However, on rare occasions it may be healthy in a psychological sense and at the very least it was an experience.

Last Day

2005-01-20T00:03:00.000-06:00

So, it was my last full day in South Dakota. I was visiting friends before heading down to Colorado to start my new job. One of the things I had a chance to do on my final day was to go down hill skiing. I have skied before, but it has been about 4 years. So I started out on the easiest runs, getting my legs, stretching unused muscles, and getting a feel for the snow. It was fun, for awhile. But I decided to move on up to something better. And lo and behold I zipped right on through an even harder hill. I continued my run of ever increasing challenges. Get through a hill three times in a row without falling and try something harder. I had visions of myself racing down the Alps with Olympic class skiers. The next thing I knew I was at the top of the hardest hill that was open that day. It was tough, I fell a couple of times, but I was undaunted. I went back to the top and raced all the way down without falling. Sure I was on the edge of control most of the time, but I made it. I decided to try again, only to do it in a way where I was more in control. I’m not sure if my legs were tired, or I was just trying too hard, but I was on my butt most of the way down the mountain. After thawing off for awhile, I went back out and tried a hill that wasn’t quite so hard. Once again I spent a fair amount of time with my skis in the air and my rear end on the ground. I had lost my edge, fear had taken over and I could not ski. When I got going too fast, I would fall if I had to in order to slow down. Because when I was moving fast, I didn’t feel in control. I was afraid to fall, but I was more scared of not being in control. I went back to the bunny hills to try and improve my form and I probably did. But I also realized that with skiing, half the fun is being on the edge of control. Letting yourself fly down the mountain and only adjusting enough to keep from crashing. You can’t control everything, so don’t worry about it. Test yourself a little, and then move up and test yourself some more. So I went up to the mid level runs, tried some jumps for the first time in my life, and let myself fly. Unfortunately, by the time I was ready to go back to the big hill, it was closing time. But I didn’t feel too bad, I think I got what I needed out of that trip.

Page 2

2005-01-02T01:11:00.000-06:00

Has it all been preparation? How profound of a change am I making? Events set in motion in the previous months are about to go from being possibilities and hypothetical situations and head straight to reality. I feel like there is a wall of light in the near future. What’s on the other side is unknown and can only be guessed at. One can step through the wall, but there is no going back once the choice is made. You can try to return to the previous state of being, but the situation has been altered, your perspective has been altered, and the views of others will have been altered also. In reality, nothing is steady state, nothing is static, the lives of you and those around you are continually changing, but the rate is small enough that you often don’t notice until you pause and look back over a long period. So why does the approaching future feel like a tipping point? It is an alteration of course, not just going with the constant rate of change, but accelerating it by choice. A conscious decision to not just go with the current of life but attempt to steer myself within it. There are times to let things happen and there are times to make things happen. Whether one chooses to be active or passive, they cannot stop change around them and within them. The changes around you determine what type of world you will live in. The changes within determine your nature, your identity, your soul. Both are largely a matter of circumstance, but nonetheless are still somewhat within your power to direct. I feel like I’ve been a passive type for most of my life, going wherever life takes me. In the last few months I’ve gone active. I’m not sure how things will turn out, I hope I haven’t become impatient. I guess I’ll find out on the other side.

Destiny?

2004-12-29T17:14:00.000-06:00

In the movie Patton, there is a scene towards the end of the movie. Patton is in the midst of his American Blitzkrieg across France in the summer of 1944. His gas shortage is becoming extreme, and in the aftermath of a battle, he observes to his aide “I had a dream last night. In my dream it came to me, that right now the whole Nazi Reich is mine for the taking. I was nearly sent home in disgrace. Now I have precisely the right instrument, at precisely the right moment of history, in exactly the right place. This will change to very quickly, like the planets spinning off into the universe. A moment like this won’t come again for a thousand years, and all I need is a few miserable gallons of gasoline. Right now, the weak spot is here. In ten days, we could be in Berlin.” In short, everything was lined up for his greatest triumph. But it was not to be.

I thought of this line back in October 2003 when everything seemed poised for a Red Sox versus Cubs World Series. The Cubs had a three games to one lead and the Sox had a three run lead in game seven against the Yanks. The whole playoffs had been great, tense exciting games that came down to the wire. It was almost magical, and I thought to myself, a moment like this won’t come again for a thousand years. But then the planets spun off into the universe as the Cubs crumbled and Grady left Pedro in too long. I was left thinking “WHY??!!?!?!?” Why would something like this happen? It is a truly cruel world in which baseball fans can be set up for such a glorious moment only to have it crushed in front of them. It was like seeing your destiny, outlined so clearly and then watching it disappear. What was the point, has the universe no meaning?

Then came 2004, and somehow the ALCS ended up being the Yankees versus the Sox again. But everything seemed to be going to hell as the Yankees stomped on the Sox for the first three games. But then things started to happen:

Game 4-Dave Roberts stealing second like Willie Mays Hayes in Major League and Ortiz winning it with a homerun in the 12^th.

Game 5-the most gut wrenching game I’ve ever watched as the Yanks once again blow it, Tim Wakefield floating the knuckler pitch after pitch as Varitek hung on when it counted and Ortiz won it again, this time with an RBI single in the 14^th.

Game 6-Schilling making one of the great pitching performances and then Keith Foulke almost letting it go. You could hear him say “You gotta make it interesting” as he ran off the mound after striking out Tony Clark to end the game.

Game 7-This game was pure vengeance as the Sox complete the most historic comeback in baseball while crushing the Yanks in the House that Ruth Built.

Looking back, the World Series seems like a foregone conclusion with the sweep of St. Louis. That was for Red Sox fans. But oh, the Yankees series will be remembered for a long time and that was for all baseball fans. Part of what made it so sweet, so satisfying, the kind of thing that just makes you feel good, was the previous year. What had seemed like defeat, a letdown, the end, was in fact part of the setup for an even greater experience. The Red Sox hit rock bottom after the first three games, turned it around, and became an unstoppable force. And everyone who watched had the thrill of being along for the ride. What a game.

What to think; curses are meant to be broken, conventional wisdom can be wrong, things are meant to change, the unexpected can be better than what was originally anticipated, what may seem like a time of trial can be a building block and a setup for something new and better down the road, and if you don’t see the point just be patient.

The Possible and the Probable

2004-11-26T11:11:00.000-06:00

As I sat there on a rotting pile of hay in the rain and predawn darkness, I once again asked myself what exactly I was doing when I could be sleeping. I told myself, again, that I was waiting for a deer. The odds didn’t seem good. The early evening had produced a semi clear sky with lots of light from a nearly full moon, while in the early morning hours clouds had rolled in and brought a drizzle. This meant that the deer had likely come out early in the evening and had long since nestled in for the day by the time I got out of bed. But, I have yet to get a deer while sleeping. The odds may not have been good, but there was still the possibility of seeing a deer, or even a (pause for dramatic effect) a “big one.” Possibility and probability may be slightly different things but I like to keep both in mind. If one looks far enough into the future, the number of possibilities is infinite, and no one outcome has a very high order of probability. As the future comes closer and closer and approaches the present, the possibilities remain large but get narrowed down considerably and certain outcomes began to take on increasing probabilities of occurring. For instance, given five years one could get a degree or two, build a house or two, or get married and divorced…..twice. All are within the realm of possibility but to try to put odds on any event or sequence of events when the number of potential outcomes is so large is a tough task indeed. Now, shrink the time of question to a day. You could still travel any number of places and interact with any number of people, so the possibilities are still quite quite expansive. But they have narrowed, Rome wasn’t built in a day and if you suddenly want to gain a comprehensive understanding of the hunting habitats of early Americans during the end of the last ice age, well that isn’t going to happen within 24 hours. Bring the future closer to the present, say a minute, the options for events to happen has been sliced down immensely, you can almost comprehend all the possibilities and probabilities. It isn’t likely that I will see a large buck wander through the trees, get into my field of fire, pause as I take aim, squeeze the trigger, the hammer drops, the primer explodes, the gunpowder reacts and explodes into rapidly expanding gasses that project the .2225 inch piece of lead out the barrel of my rifle at over 3000 ft/sec and into the chest cavity of my target. It isn’t likely, but it is within the realm of possibility. You have to be playing cards to win a hand and I had to be out there if I wanted to get my deer, so I sat there and got wet for the next hour.

Welcome to Class

2004-11-02T23:49:00.000-06:00

School can be a good place to learn, but we grow up under the impression that it is the only place to learn. You spend the majority of your young life in the educational system and come to view it as the source of knowledge. Knowledge that you will need upon leaving school. In truth, you can learn anywhere and everywhere if you keep your mind open and note what is going on around you. One can learn by avoiding the casual dismissal of common occurrences and trying to understand the underlying causes and structures at work.

Take any event in which you were involved or maybe were only an observer. If you can break down the forces that affected the processes, you can understand what happened and why. Start with simple situations and move up to larger ones. This can involve the interaction of people, or the movement of sediment in a river. Ultimately, you begin to see that everything is somewhat affected by what came before and that it in turn can affect what will happen next. In that sense, the ultimate study may be history. Not just human, but geologic and biologic. It is believing that there is a reason or an explanation for everything that happens, and in attempting to further your understanding, you wish to know the reasons. The broad range of subjects for study out there makes it impossible to even be educated on all of them in a general sense. But when you start getting into the details, the nuances, the intricacies, the whole realization of what is out there expands. It is like seeing a beach or landscape covered with thousands of various rocks of many different sizes and colors. When looking out at the overall group, you think that there are many, but it could be within range for every one to be known. But upon closer inspection, you find each rock to be composed of an infinite number of grains. Suddenly the amount of information that is potentially out there has gone from a vastness that you can understand to an unending expanse that you can’t even begin to comprehend.

The toughest part comes when analyzing your self. What are your motives, hopes, fears, anxieties, and insecurities? Perhaps priority should be place on knowing thy self.

The Law of Large Numbers Prevails Again!!!!!

2004-10-28T01:44:00.000-05:00

Wow! I can't believe it. The Red Sox have won the World Series. They caught the breaks, made the plays, and put together a string of wins. The demolition of the Yankees to get to the Series just makes it that much more incredible and satisfying.

This is a major event, a switch in total perspective. Nobody could come back from three down, but now it has been proved possible outside the NHL. The Red Sox will never win the Series, and now they have. The impossible has happened and it happened in beautiful fashion, with the Yankees choking in grand style, Curt Schilling pitching on a bleeding ankle, and everything else just happening as though it were destiny.

This is Big, very BIG, I need to think about this some more.

A Hunting we will go

2004-10-18T23:51:00.000-05:00

I've never been the caliber of hunter who makes all his shots or could provide enough game to feed himself, even if I had been living in America prior to settlement. But it can be enjoyable; getting fresh air, taking the dog who can't hunt for a walk, trying to get in touch with the wild or some such thing, and occasionally getting a feeling of joy when all your nerves and muscles react in near perfect harmony, it's a shotgun so close counts, and you bring the gun up, aim, fire and have the bird drop. There is a certain amount of skill involved, and not just in the shot, though that is obviously important. Knowing where the birds will likely be at a given time of day, watching for movement in the grass, listening for the sounds of birds, being able to react in a short time, lining up the shot, and should you be so lucky as to down the bird, pouncing on it fast because a pheasant will absolutely disappear upon hitting the ground. If they have a faint pulse and two good legs, the will run and leave you as hopeless as Wiley Coyote. Not to say it takes a supreme effort to get a bird, but it isn't as easy as people who have never hunted tend to assume. Given the dull senses and lack of lightning reflexes, humans aren't exactly suited to hunting small fast birds, so they better know how to shoot.

With all this in mind, I was quite happy to have a successful hunt this afternoon. One bird, one shot, one meal, and one very happy puppy, after she got the heart and liver that is. I think she was a little upset that I wanted to head home after getting a bird.

Another thought that happens this time of year. Why exactly are Red Sox fans the most tortured group in baseball. Just sheer numbers should dicate that sooner or later you will have a string of luck at the right time. Numerical odds would say it is impossible for that team to catch as many bad breaks as it has. I won't go through the abominable history, but just the last few nights have been all too typical. In the casino of life, the Sox would seem to be the ultimate cooler. I know the Cubs and White Sox have gone longer since their last title, but no team seems to get teased as much as the Red Sox. Put achingly close, only to have it snatched away at the last minute. The Geneva Convention should have outlawed such forms of torture. Well, it is only a game, but a game that many people care about a lot, more than their children in some cases. In short one would think the Red Sox were more overdue than a college student's parking ticket.

Evolution

2004-10-11T21:43:00.000-05:00

Why I ask myself, does it always seem to surprise me when someone I haven’t seen for awhile isn’t like I remember them. You try talking to them and seem to be coming up against a brick wall. It’s not that they aren’t friendly, it’s just that you seem to talking simply to be polite. In worst case scenarios you get the sense they aren’t listening to you but merely waiting for their turn to speak. Are they your friends? Were they ever? Or have your paths merely diverged to the point where personal communication just isn’t possible? Can you look back now and see the divergence beginning earlier than you previously thought?

It’s no secret that people change over time. I think most people are acutely aware of how much they have changed as reality has continually bored into them. So there’s no reason I should be surprised that someone else has changed. New perspectives, broader horizons, wonderful and horrific experiences; humans are dynamic beings in an ever changing environment. You yourself aren’t static, and neither is anyone else. The alternative side is that someone you rarely talked to before can actually become enjoyable to converse with. Life may not exactly have brought your paths to the same point, but maybe, if only temporarily, has placed you at two points that form a perfect whisper chamber where thoughts barely spoken are clearly communicated.

For most people in your life, you are only a momentary force, too small to affect the slowly rolling snowball that has built up with every experience and thought. This isn’t to say that it isn’t important to be kind. In fact, given all the people that you will interact with throughout your lifetime, you should try to make your efforts count in a positive way and change the world around you for the better. But the person whose course you have the most potential to direct is yourself. You can’t stop the change in yourself, short of hiring the world’s best lawyer to divorce you from reality, but you can maneuver it. Being subject to outside forces, it can be a bit like driving a bus on ice but it should be possible. If you don’t try, the person you want to become, your goal can slowly erode away at an almost imperceptible rate. You don’t realize what’s happened until a significant change has taken place, when it has become undeniable.

Speaking of rate, what is the pace of change? It seems like it has been incredibly fast in some ways for myself. But looking back I can see that seemingly unimportant decisions made years ago are still having an effect. It would seem almost impossible to totally alter my path, and even if I could I doubt I would. I’m not sure where I’m going, but I'll keep on moving. You only get to stop once, and it's way too early for that.

Dancing Rabbits

2004-10-10T21:07:00.000-05:00

This weekend I got myself introduced to a familiar concept that I had never before practiced firsthand, tail gating. Set up shop several hours before kick off and saw all the sights. Frat boys with painted on T-shirts, kids playing football in the driving lanes while dodging traffic, campus brown shirts walking around trying to look intimidating while being armed with flashlights, lines piled up behind port-a-potties as though it were the phone booth with a direct connection to heaven, people driving around for hours just convinced that someone will get sick of this party and leave, and tons and tons and tons of empty beer cans.

Thanks to a generous soul I scored a 50 yard line (well 48 but close enough) 11 rows up, smack dab in the middle of the “fatty caddy” section. Translation: I was surrounded by alumni who were 2 to 3 times my age. Keep in mind I never even attended school at this institution and you get a feeling of my disconnection. Even in average everyday situation I sometimes feel more like an observer than a participant, as though I have built a wall of one way glass around myself. That sensation was mildly amplified in this case. What to do, should I jump in and try to give a damn, or sit back and observe. More of an instinctual reaction then a conscious decision really.

So I observed some more: the indignant fans who with every call acted as though the referee were giving them a personal prostate check, the redundant alumni who continually mutter instructions to the players as though they were Churchill directing the war effort, scantily clad college gals walking along the front row and ensuring that local chiropractors will be able to afford Christmas gifts once again, the opposing fans giving something resembling a Nazi salute every time their team got a first down, and the college pep bands battling each other from across the field. Sometime during the second half the visitors got ahead by a touchdown and things started to look pretty glum. The home team was able to get close but settled for a field goal before returning the ball to the opposition in what looked to be a hopeless effort. The visitors had a good running game and figured to be able to chew up the few minutes remaining. But the home defense suddenly stepped up and played as though possessed, or possibly high. After giving up a first down they set about attacking whoever had the ball and crumpling them like a Pinto between two cement trucks. The punt went into the end zone and the home team now had the ball at their own 20, down by 4, with just over 2 minutes on the clock. The first two pass attempts failed and the third came up four yards short. Fourth down, “this could be the game” remarks Churchill; “They better make this play” came the foreboding words from the Duke of Windsor. Lo and behold they did come through on 4th down, and again a few plays latter. With Zhen-like calm they slant passed their way down the field. Then a pass towards the middle and the receiver side stepped, dodged, and broke several tackles before lurching into the end zone with 40 seconds to go. The opposition was broken and unable to mount an effective drive of their own. Even their fans had had their plug pulled and were quickly flowing out of the stadium. Quiet the fun time for someone who showed up without any plans to even attend the game.

The weird part was that I think somewhere in the middle I became a participant. I was cheering, anxious, and cracking one-liners to the guys beside me. The ones with hearing aids even laughed.

One Monkey & his Keyboard

2004-09-26T22:17:00.000-05:00

The old theory goes that a thousands monkeys with typewriters given an infinite amount of time could eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare. The follow up has become that thanks to the Internet we know this isn't true. Well, I would like to think this an elitist view and with some fine sifting, a few gems can be found. Whether posting is to show off your writing chops or get some sort of collective phsycology, it's a good thing to put needle to thread by organizing and composing your thoughts. And if you can handle feedback, you might get a clarification of your reality.