Version 2.8

When I wrote before I always had the sense that I was telling the whole story.

But I can’t do that anymore.

It seems that one of my best tools for doing so has abandoned me. That tool was pain.

Pain had the power to shift my perspective enough to enable me to see farther. To put temporary holes in the everyday vision we project to ourselves. Pain allowed me to see through the boundaries of my unknowing.

Moments of frustration and despair brought on creativity, brought on the deepest insights. I could actually even enjoy the pain as I felt my vision expanding and the world opening up.

So much of what I’ve seen, I could never have seen without the pain. I doubt I could ever have learned so much about myself without it.

The worst/best part was that it was so easy for me to create the pain. For awhile I could do it on demand. So many obstacles that I came across, all I had to do was touch the pain and I could see right through them.

But the pain has faded, especially fast the last couple months. It is no longer an effective way for me to see beyond myself.

Striving towards the promised land, but finding our path is shifting sand.

I used to identify with it so deeply. Now it’s almost a stranger. But, though it has passed, I am still here. I feel life flowing through me, and it does not come from pain. I am not well connected with it enough to see farther.

So as I write this I look ahead to a time when I can hopefully again add some depth to my writings. But using different techniques to achieve it. Because I can no longer move forward through the power of self-inflicted wounds.