The Battle

Often it happens that I will be going along and a thought will arise. Then almost automatically, a counter-thought will appear. And in trying to choose between the two, I'm left with that horrible feeling that I may be making the wrong choice. It even happens with really stupid little decisions, like which route to take home from work. Most of the time I even know it's stupid. But if I just supress the tension and act, I don't feel right either. Just ignoring/supressing the worry seems to generate a residue which over time eventually brings me to a halt. And once again I am confronted by that horrible feeling.

Recently however, a new behavioral pattern seems to have developed in response to these constant impasses. When a thought arises and its counter-thought follows creating worry, I try to take a moment and focus on the battle itself. Ask myself why. Why am I creating this dichotomy? Why am I breaking things into right and wrong when often all it serves to do is create tension within and distract me? Home is Home, no matter which path I choose.

This moment of reflection usually allows me to make a decision with less stress. Though it doesn't do much to make me feel I'm right.

The Razor

When it comes to pushing and confronting things in life, particularly my fears, I tend to notice a sort of Occam's Razor. It's good for me to take things to a certain point, but no further. Pushing things further may seem like a good idea but after the break point, it really just makes things worse. It isn't easy to walk a razor's edge.

The Mountain

I found myself surrounded by mist and nothing was clear
That which seemed right one minute seemed wrong the next
It left me confused and I could not decide which way to go

And then, out of the mist rose a great mountain
This mountain had no right or wrong, no way it must be traveled
This mountain, which I could not previously see even though my feet stood on it

This was the Mountain of the Soul.

And before the mist encircled once more, I could see that it was infinitely more vast
and complex than any mountain of this world

Out of Sync

The internal feelings and external actions feel severely out of sync. This results in a lot of frustration. I'm going on vacation.

SEPTEMBER
All around life has reached its apogee
Plants have drawn their string of life out to the limit
The landscape is heavy with green
And everything appears to be waiting for the frost

No Title

Attending to the distractions
that swirl around you.
Life has very little meaning
outside of dealing with them

The inertia that attends your
every step and must be considered
before any move can be made.
It’s always your first consideration

Though it is forever present,
its strength rises and falls
And your activities become
structured accordingly

More and more it dictates.
But in learning to deal with it,
You begin to see it.

You begin to act against it.
The inertia weakens ever so slightly
The balance you’ve worked to achieve
Begins to unravel before you

But change can be upsetting.
Greater sense of ability is offset
By a more intense debilitation
during the worst moments.

It culminates with a series of miserable days
And vivid, dream-filled nights.
And then, like a summer storm, it passes.
And what pounded you so fiercely before,
Is now just soft puddles fading away

And when it’s finally gone,
All you can do is look back
And see how silly it all seems
And remember how serious it was

Where Did That Come From?

Strange feeling today.
I hadn't felt it in a long time, at least a year and a half.
And I'm only guessing, I really don't remember the last time.
But today, just for a few seconds, I felt........ BORED.
Probably doesn't seem like a big deal, and it probably isn't.
But I thought it was worth mentioning.
I think it's a good thing.