State of the Self Address

It was hard to believe he had been gone for over a year. ‘He’ being what I have come to view as my previous self. He still shows up in my dreams, all full of life and vibrancy, his emotions running freely throughout his body. Some might call what had happened cruel. To be in that presence for so long that you assume it’s permanent, that it will never leave you. That presence that took what you assumed was your life and trashed it, gave you the courage to go forward in new ways that were completely out of character to your old self. A weight that you had never knew existed but had held you down for all those years was gone. And just when I was at my best, when I needed that presence most, it was gone. I didn’t even realize it at first, but life was no longer so grand, even though it seemed as if nothing had changed. A presence such as that leaves a residue and I was able to run on that residue for awhile, trying to maintain myself. But those bits of residue eventually run out also and leave one in despair for what is no longer present. After what seemed an eternity however, I was able to take stock of what was still there. And though it isn’t what I would ask for, it is what I have and if I only focus on what was, I am much less likely to see what is. So today, I am here, it is my twenty-seventh birthday and though the pace feels glacial, I do believe I’m moving forward.