Fragile

Lots of unseen things that we take for granted are constantly maintaining our mental health. An evolved infrastructure is generally needed. Much like the one that is present for the delivery of materials, which is also usually taken for granted. The rugged mountain man can handle an interruption to civilization’s material infrastructure. What kind of person is prepared for the interruption to their mental infrastructure?

For myself, I recently felt quite a bit of frustration since dislocating my shoulder. I slowly regained some use, but lost it with surgery and it will be a while before I get back to “normal”. The loss of full utility of my left arm compromised a lot of the things I do. This left me doing less, this in turn left my body with lots of spare energy and no effective ways to get rid of it. This led to me being unable to sleep-insomnia is no fun. What sleep I got was fitful and not deep. This led to a less than optimistic mood. The convergence of a few things was able to quickly and dramatically affect the way I felt. What to do? A couple of options:

Establish a deeper infrastructure that can withstand some interruptions.

Try and understand emotions and thinking well enough so that they remain stable no matter what the weather.

Special Thanks to Pam, Melinda, Erin & Mike for looking out for me.

PAIN

It was certainly unexpected. I was not expecting to get injured in leisure league softball. But I slid back to the base and had the fielder land on my shoulder. It definitely didn’t feel right and I guessed that it had been dislocated. The next 2 hours were spent getting to the ER, filling out paper work, getting X-rays and enduring a rather fierce level of pain. The pain becomes paramount in your mind and all actions are towards the purpose of easing that pain. The most effective method seems to be to distract yourself from the pain. I chewed on my belt, made small talk with hospital personnel and other patients, found stupid little things to focus on, replayed the injury in my head, talked to myself, cursed, tapped my feet, rolled around in the wheel chair, whatever distracted me. Sitting still was not an option.

When the good doctor finally got to me, I was hoping for some relief. He pulled on my arm with a steady unrelenting grip that was designed to fatigue the muscles. After several minutes of this I was very uncomfortable and about ready for some morphine or something. But then he added some more pressure and a slight torque. There were a couple of quiet clicks and an immediate sense of pleasure as my pain virtually disappeared. I had a stupid grin on my face that was completely involuntary and could not be wiped away. The removal of pain that had been persistently present simply made me happy.

How much of happiness is the absence of pain? Doctors will prescribe drugs to numb the pain while your body goes about the business of physical recovery. But what about people with mental and psychological injuries? Will their minds heal while they are numb? It is easy to see how people can become addicted to drugs if it eases pain, whether physical or emotional. Knowing that the pain can disappear instantly makes any solution seem worthwhile. I guess that’s why torture is sometimes used in interrogation. How much of daily activity is done to relieve the various forms of pain that will surface if we sit still?

FEAR

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
(Taken from Dune by Frank Herbert)

I wanted to do it. I just didn’t know if I could. To step off the absolute solid ground I knew and out into the void with nothing beneath my feet and nothing that I could hold on to. To step away from solid ground is to walk right into the fear that is present just beyond the edge. The fear was a psychological wall that manifested itself within my mind to the point that it exerted physical control.

I was out camping this weekend and had the opportunity to go cliff jumping. The weather was sunny and temps were in the 90s. In cliff jumping, the words of a certain green midget ring true. Do or do not. There is no try. I had previously done some shallow cliff jumping (about 10 ft) and thought I would be good to go. But the first cliff my friend brought me to was a stony pinnacle that rose up by itself. It barely had room to stand and was a good 30 feet above the water. I climbed up and looked down and felt the barrier. I told myself “a moment of pain or a lifetime of regret.” Sadly I went with regret and took a jump from a much shorter ledge. A little while later I jumped from a slightly higher distance (15 ft or so). But there were no more easy ones. I went to a 30 ft cliff and watched my friends and other people jump. I looked over, thought about it, and told myself to just do it but could not. I questioned why I couldn’t but no answer was forthcoming. I contemplated until the tops of my feet were sunburned, but logic could not defeat emotion. After awhile, I sort of went blank and then felt calm. I got up walked to the ledge, felt the fear, and stepped off.

I wasn’t sure if the fear passed me by or if I passed through it. I went to an even higher ledge to find out. The fear was there, but greatly diminished. So this time, I let it pass and then jumped. I did a few more jumps without any unease but knew I had one more test to go, the pinnacle. The pinnacle has a bit of a twist. You can’t get a warm-up step to build momentum. Everything is right there confronting you. A moment of pain or a lifetime of regret. I left with no regrets.

Everyone builds realities that are based on perception and experience. They hold on to these realities, always wanting some sort of ground beneath their feet. The power of fear can be tremendous and will not go away with time. It must be faced head on and with full realization. Don’t duck it, dodge it, or run from it. Confront it, feel it, and let it pass. Only you will remain and where the fear was, there will be nothing, not even regret.

A couple of cliff pics for your viewing pleasure are available
http://high-country-adventures.blogspot.com/2005/07/camping-cliff-jumping-stray-dogs.htmlhttp://high-country-adventures.blogspot.com/2005/07/pinnacle.html