A Gift to Myself

So it was my birthday. I was in a new town and didn’t really know anybody to celebrate with. What should one do for their birthday? Well, traditionally gifts are given. I decided above all I would like an experience, preferably one with no permanent damage. My roommates and some visitors from SD decided to take matters into their own hands once I let it slip that it was indeed my birthday. The first rule was that I wouldn’t be driving. The second was I had better finish my wine before we left, so I complied. I spent the next few hours with the two roommates I had barely known a week and two other people whom I had just met. I also spent that time getting myself a little inebriated. This is a state of existence which is almost unknown to me, so I tried to actually note what was happening as best I could. The loss of coordination and awareness of surroundings were the most obvious signals. I also felt like I could go to sleep at any place and time. The really interesting thing to me was the conversation. A lot of inhibition and concern is removed. You say whatever you feel like and become fairly honest if not exactly intelligent or intelligible. I suppose it is a friendly version of truth serum. Now there is a lot of research that shows one or two drinks a day can be healthy, but multiple drinks is never good for you physically. However, on rare occasions it may be healthy in a psychological sense and at the very least it was an experience.

Last Day

So, it was my last full day in South Dakota. I was visiting friends before heading down to Colorado to start my new job. One of the things I had a chance to do on my final day was to go down hill skiing. I have skied before, but it has been about 4 years. So I started out on the easiest runs, getting my legs, stretching unused muscles, and getting a feel for the snow. It was fun, for awhile. But I decided to move on up to something better. And lo and behold I zipped right on through an even harder hill. I continued my run of ever increasing challenges. Get through a hill three times in a row without falling and try something harder. I had visions of myself racing down the Alps with Olympic class skiers. The next thing I knew I was at the top of the hardest hill that was open that day. It was tough, I fell a couple of times, but I was undaunted. I went back to the top and raced all the way down without falling. Sure I was on the edge of control most of the time, but I made it. I decided to try again, only to do it in a way where I was more in control. I’m not sure if my legs were tired, or I was just trying too hard, but I was on my butt most of the way down the mountain. After thawing off for awhile, I went back out and tried a hill that wasn’t quite so hard. Once again I spent a fair amount of time with my skis in the air and my rear end on the ground. I had lost my edge, fear had taken over and I could not ski. When I got going too fast, I would fall if I had to in order to slow down. Because when I was moving fast, I didn’t feel in control. I was afraid to fall, but I was more scared of not being in control. I went back to the bunny hills to try and improve my form and I probably did. But I also realized that with skiing, half the fun is being on the edge of control. Letting yourself fly down the mountain and only adjusting enough to keep from crashing. You can’t control everything, so don’t worry about it. Test yourself a little, and then move up and test yourself some more. So I went up to the mid level runs, tried some jumps for the first time in my life, and let myself fly. Unfortunately, by the time I was ready to go back to the big hill, it was closing time. But I didn’t feel too bad, I think I got what I needed out of that trip.

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Has it all been preparation? How profound of a change am I making? Events set in motion in the previous months are about to go from being possibilities and hypothetical situations and head straight to reality. I feel like there is a wall of light in the near future. What’s on the other side is unknown and can only be guessed at. One can step through the wall, but there is no going back once the choice is made. You can try to return to the previous state of being, but the situation has been altered, your perspective has been altered, and the views of others will have been altered also. In reality, nothing is steady state, nothing is static, the lives of you and those around you are continually changing, but the rate is small enough that you often don’t notice until you pause and look back over a long period. So why does the approaching future feel like a tipping point? It is an alteration of course, not just going with the constant rate of change, but accelerating it by choice. A conscious decision to not just go with the current of life but attempt to steer myself within it. There are times to let things happen and there are times to make things happen. Whether one chooses to be active or passive, they cannot stop change around them and within them. The changes around you determine what type of world you will live in. The changes within determine your nature, your identity, your soul. Both are largely a matter of circumstance, but nonetheless are still somewhat within your power to direct. I feel like I’ve been a passive type for most of my life, going wherever life takes me. In the last few months I’ve gone active. I’m not sure how things will turn out, I hope I haven’t become impatient. I guess I’ll find out on the other side.